~*~

ACT I

(Garak and Bashir's living room. GARAK and BASHIR are sitting around in their underwear among the wedding presents, ripping into them like children on Christmas morning. Their discarded clothing is littered about the room. BASHIR takes a box and reads the label)

BASHIR: This one's from Major Kira.

GARAK: You'd better let me open it, then. (BASHIR tosses it over) If it is a bomb, I'm sure it's meant for me. (GARAK opens it with extreme caution as BASHIR laughs. He gingerly lifts out a piece of Bajoran pottery)

BASHIR: It's not explosive at all. In fact, it's beautiful.

GARAK: Indeed. (Regards it thoughtfully) You don't think this means that she likes us, do you?

BASHIR: (considers) She's probably just being polite.

GARAK: Not probable, but possible. (GARAK pulls over a large, lumpy and clumsily-wrapped present) Here's one from Ophidia. (Begins opening it)

BASHIR: I hope it's not a snake.

GARAK: You have something against reptiles, Doctor?

BASHIR: Let's just say you've ruined me for all the others. (GARAK has now uncovered the present, which consists of two teddy bears. One is the normal brown fuzzy type and the other, which is handmade, is in an olive-grey smooth fabric and has neck and eye socket ridges and a spoon formation on the forehead.)

GARAK: What in the world is this? (BASHIR picks up the gray bear, which has "ELIM" embroidered on it, and a note that came in the package)

BASHIR: (reading the note) "Something to hug when your sweetie's away, love Ophidia."

GARAK: My goodness, how infantile.

BASHIR: (Waving the Cardassian teddy bear at him) See? It's a little stuffed Garak bear. And that one's supposed to be me.

GARAK: It doesn't look much like you. (BASHIR holds the Cardassian bear up next to GARAK)

BASHIR: Yes, and I'd say you're much handsomer than this Elim, but it's the thought that counts.

GARAK: Doctor..(Holds up the Julian bear) You know I love you...but this is ridiculous. (BASHIR laughs)

BASHIR: I'm sure she meant well.

GARAK: Maybe. (Lifts up Bashir's discarded Starfleet tunic and discovers an envelope, which he tosses to BASHIR) It's from Sisko. (BASHIR opens it)

BASHIR: Was there a gift with it?

GARAK: I'll look. (Searches under other articles of clothing. BASHIR, meanwhile, reads the note and lets out a whoop of excitement)

BASHIR: YES!!

GARAK: Did you find the gift or was that some kind of time-delay orgasm?

BASHIR: (waving the envelope) Two weeks' shore leave, effective at my convenience. (As GARAK fails to be overwhelmed) Garak! It's our honeymoon!

(GARAK begins to show signs of enthusiasm) Where should we go?

GARAK: All my clients tell me Rysa is nice...

BASHIR: Oh, everyone goes to Rysa. The last thing I want is to run into some crashing bore who knew me at Starfleet Medical and wants to have cocktails on the Lido Deck and catch up on old times. I don't want to see
anyone but you.

GARAK: In that case, there are some lovely uninhabited forests on Acacius Prime. I've heard there are three hundred and twenty species of bird living on Nirna Island alone.

BASHIR: I never knew you were a camping buff.

GARAK: My experiences with camping have usually come in the line of duty-

BASHIR: Your duty as a tailor, I take it.

GARAK: Of course, Doctor. We in the fashion trade frequently take our inspirations from nature.

BASHIR: I'm sure you do.

GARAK: In any case, the idea of going into the wild just for pleasure intrigues me.

BASHIR: Well, if you're intrigued, I'm intrigued. (Takes his hands) Let's go right away. I'm between research projects and there hasn't been an epidemic in months.

GARAK: I don't know, it's a busy time for me right now what with the--(BASHIR's hands travel up GARAK's arms to his shoulders.) I suppose I could close up shop for a couple of weeks...(BASHIR brings his hands down
GARAK's chest. GARAK valiantly attempts to ignore his own arousal) There is that order of vedek hats I'm supposed to have filled by--(BASHIR's hands move around to GARAK's back, drawing him closer to them so that their lips almost touch.) Yes, let's go, let's go right away, or else let's stay right here for the next two weeks and never leave the room.

BASHIR: Either suits me. (GARAK leans forward for the kiss and pushes BASHIR gently back onto the crumpled wrapping paper) Look out for the pottery.

GARAK: I know. (As they begin the dance for which you need no music, GARAK gropes for Kira's gift with his free hand and puts it on the table out of harm's way.) Computer, lights off. (Fade to black.)

* * *

(We now see the passenger section of a commercial shuttlecraft. Random passengers mill about. GARAK is already aboard, carrying a small duffel on a shoulder strap. OPHIDIA enters lugging a traveling bag and a wicker basket. A rainbow boa is draped around her shoulders.)

OPHIDIA: Garak! How are you? How's domestic life treating you?

GARAK: I think it's good for me. That's a beautiful snake you're wearing.

OPHIDIA: Thank you! I do my best to accessorize. (PIcks up the snake's head and introduces it to GARAK) Black Watch, say hello to Mr. Garak-Bashir.

GARAK: (To the snake) Pleased to meet you. (They sit) Where are you headed?

OPHIDIA: Oh, I have to take this thing to the Phrenellian system and then catch a freighter to Mynora 3, where I think, I hope, I can get a Ferengi trader to Caledonia.

GARAK: Ah, going home.

OPHIDIA: Exactly. I hope the Ferengi is going to be reasonable about the fare. I really hate doing that ear thing for them. (BASHIR enters, loaded down with about 90 pounds of state-of-the-art camping gear. GARAK and OPHIDIA stare, then both burst out laughing.)

GARAK: Doctor...

BASHIR: All right, all right, so I'm overpacked. (Sits.)

GARAK: But that's just what I like about you.

OPHIDIA: Hey, if you guys are gonna flirt, I'm moving. Not that it bothers me normally, but I haven't seen my partner in two months and it's driving me nuts.

BASHIR: Is he not from around here? (OPHIDIA bops BASHIR on the head)

OPHIDIA: For your wedding I should have given you a clue. She is back home in Caledonia and I cannot get there fast enough for my taste.

BASHIR: Ah. Incidentally, thank you for the--(DUKAT and STEBAN enter with their suite. DUKAT spots GARAK and is visibly chagrined)

GARAK: Well, well, well. Ambassador! Public transportation! Central Command must really be in dire straits if it's sending you home proletariat class. 

DUKAT: Keep away from me, heldek. (He and STEBAN sit as far away as possible.)

OPHIDIA: So what's his problem?

BASHIR: Evidently most Cardassians see heldek stor as a Bajoran perversion unworthy of a healthy black-blooded Cardassian male.

OPHIDIA: Typical. Classic imperialist patriarchal bullshit.

GARAK: And of course there is that history of purely personal animosity. (OPHIDIA realizes she has lost track of her snake and looks around frantically. She spots it making its way toward the navigational console
and leaps up to chase it.) Dukat and I worked together as junior operatives. That tends to breed contempt.

BASHIR: Why?

GARAK: The point of having junior operatives is so that the senior operatives don't have to do their own dirty work. Together we were responsible for carrying out some fairly nasty directives. Neither of us likes to be reminded of our collaborative efforts.

BASHIR: Ah. (Struggles out of his backpack and nestles on GARAK's shoulder. GARAK strokes his head for a moment)

GARAK: Thank you, Doctor.

BASHIR: For what?

GARAK: For not asking.

BASHIR: Garak, anything you want me to know, you'll tell me. Anything you don't want me to know, I don't want to hear about. (GARAK kisses the top of his head. QUARK and ROM enter in full bicker)

QUARK: Rom, Phrenellians have made the use of mind-altering chemicals a capital offense. I really don't think there's much of a tulaberry wine market there.

ROM: Maybe not legitimately. But the 254th rule of acquisition expressly states--

QUARK: I know, I know. "The more illegal it is, the more profitable it becomes." But what do you know about organizing a black market?

ROM: If I told you, you'd be angry.

QUARK: You're probably right. Forget I asked. (They sit. ODO enters) Constable! What a pleasant surprise. Are you on business or pleasure?

ODO: A little of both. I've never been to the Phrenellian system; I thought I'd like to see it. I may stay for weeks. I hear they have beautiful beaches. (Leaving Quark scowling after him, he moves back to sit with GARAK and BASHIR) Actually, spoiling the illegal tulaberry wine trade is the pleasure half.

BASHIR: What's the business part?

ODO: Your brother-in-law D'Jonn is contesting his expulsion.

BASHIR: Good luck to him.

ODO: Exactly. I've been called back to testify. I predict the hearing will last a total of ten minutes. (OPHIDIA returns, having retrieved her snake. As she passes)

GARAK: Ophidia! Will you sit with us if we promise not to flirt?

OPHIDIA: Nah, that wouldn't be fair to you. Besides, I want to sit in the back of the bus and make trouble. (Exits.)

ODO: I'd better go keep an eye on her.

BASHIR: You know she doesn't really mean it, Odo.

ODO: Neither do I, Doctor. (He follows her. GARAK and BASHIR hold hands as the shuttle departs.)

* * *

(Many, many hours later on the way to the Phrenellian system. The cabin lights have been dimmed and most of the passengers, including QUARK, ROM and OPHIDIA, are asleep. BASHIR and GARAK, however, are awake and making out like there's no tomorrow, as quietly as they can. DUKAT casts a baleful glance at them, then rolls over and tries to go back to sleep. Suddenly there is one of those familiar Star Trek lurching camera shots and the warning alarms go off. Lights come back up, the pilot springs into frenzied activity, and the passengers awake and panic.)

GARAK: That wasn't a normal course correction, was it?

BASHIR: I'll go see what's happened. (Runs up to the cockpit, followed by ODO)

ODO: What happened?

PILOT: Please, gentlemen, return to your seats. There is no need to panic.

ODO: I'll be the judge of that. What's wrong?

PILOT: We appear to have drifted into the atmosphere of an unexplored class M planet and we are stuck in an atmospheric electromagnetic storm. That's all.

ODO: That's all?

PILOT: Sir, will you please return to the cabin, you're making matters worse.

BASHIR: What do you mean, drifted into the atmosphere? (Huge lurch; everyone shifts position; sparks start falling out of things; you know the drill.) 

PILOT: Get back to your seat! I've been in hundreds of these, I know what I'm--

BASHIR: (looking at the sensor array) How do you even know it's an electromagnetic storm? These readings don't look consistent with--(biiiiiiig lurch, many new electrical fires)

PILOT: I know it's an electromagnetic storm because it's just ripped off our warp nacelle.

BASHIR: I'll get the escape pod ready. (Runs to the back of the shuttle, passing  a crewmember demonstrating safety features)

CREWMEMBER: In the event of a hull breach, space suits are located beneath your seats. In addition, your seat cushions can be used...(Back at the escape hatch, BASHIR and GARAK begin loading passengers into the pod. Near the front, a piece of the inner hull falls on DUKAT and STEBAN. BASHIR and ODO run to disengage them. OPHIDIA and GARAK are at the back helping passengers into the escape pod.)

OPHIDIA: Did I ever tell you how much I hated "Titanic," Garak?

GARAK: I don't think so.

OPHIDIA: Well, I don't like it any better in real life than I did in a theater. (ROM starts running for the pod, but QUARK pulls him back)

ROM: Brother, we have to go!

QUARK: Rom, let me share with you something I've learned over the years: when there's trouble, stick with the officers. They always make out all right. 

OPHIDIA: Looks like the flight was overbooked. (GARAK looks at her; she gestures at the escape hatch) The escape pod's already full, and there's only one. (PILOT runs down to the escape hatch. DUKAT and STEBAN are now on their feet and BASHIR is piloting the shuttle as best he can.) 

GARAK: You'd better go; they have no one to pilot the pod.

PILOT: What about you?

GARAK: We'll see if we can coast down below the disturbances and transport to the planet's surface.

PILOT: I'll get help as soon as I can. (Exits. Pod separates. OPHIDIA and GARAK look at each other.)

OPHIDIA: OK, I know nothing about space travel or engineering. What can I do to help?

ODO: Get Rom and Quark into their space suits.

OPHIDIA: Right. (Heads for them. GARAK runs toward the front, but before he can reach it there are many interesting explosions and we move to an exterior shot of the shuttle being ripped apart. A hand moves across the screen and the image wavers; we pan back and see that the image of the ship is a reflection on the surface of a well, over which a Cardassian girl about 10 years old is bending intently. The image dissolves. She looks up into the camera with tears in her eyes. Camera moves and we see that she is looking at SPARAT, an adult Cardassian wearing long robes with occult symbols on them and sitting on an observation dais from which he watches the night sky through a window.)

MIRANDA: If you have caused this, father--

SPARAT: Caused what?

MIRANDA: I saw them break up in the sky.

SPARAT: Saw who?

MIRANDA: You taught me what a ship does. It carries life through the empty places. The ship is split. The sky is empty.

SPARAT: Very good. You're learning.

MIRANDA: If I had power, I would carry them safe to the shore. I would send birds up to move the ship away from the troubled air. I would have done anything to keep them from being lost. They suffered.

SPARAT: Indeed they did.

MIRANDA: Why did you do it?

SPARAT: For you, Miranda. (MIRANDA is horrified) Don't be frightened. None of them has been hurt in the slightest. (Comes down from the dais, takes off his robe, and takes her on his lap) It was not my intent to hurt them.  Yet.

MIRANDA: Where are they then?

SPARAT: Safe on our island.

MIRANDA: How?

SPARAT: You ask too many questions. (MIRANDA withdraws) No, no, it's a good sign. A sign of your intelligence. They got us into trouble, where we came from.

MIRANDA: Intelligence?

SPARAT: Questions. Both. I have told you before, what I was before I landed here, what you have a right to.

MIRANDA: I don't want--

SPARAT: Fate has put in my power the men responsible for our exile. I have brought them to our island and I hope, in return for our...hospitality...they will offer us an invitation to return home.

MIRANDA: Is this place not home?

SPARAT: No, child. (She nestles against him) No fit home for you. I am glad to see you cry for them, Miranda; it shows your nature is still kind. But they have not been hurt. I especially charged my spirit to keep them from
harm. They are all safe on solid ground. (MIRANDA nods and falls asleep. SPARAT lifts her onto a couch and gets back into his robe. Lifting his arms) I'm ready now! Approach, my Ariel, come! (A light flashes. From
behind him we hear:)

Q: I've told you before, the name is Q. (SPARAT turns and we see Q, in his usual Starfleet Command uniform, leaning against a wall, looking insolent.)

SPARAT: Your name is Ariel because that is what you swore to answer to. Have you followed my instructions?

Q: (infintely bored) Yes, yes, I tossed the ship around, I broke off its nacelles, I punched in the hull and then shorted out the entire power grid. After that they abandoned ship like the rats they are.

SPARAT: But are they safe?

Q: The little rats all got away safe in the escape pod. The big rats are scattered hither and yon along the coast of the island. Can I go now?

SPARAT: I need to tell you the plan for tomorrow.

Q: I know the plan for tomorrow. I'm omniscient, I don't need to go to staff meetings. If you need someone to do exposition with, call Cabalan, I'm sure the details have already leaked out of that tiny cube of melting
tofu he calls a brain. 

SPARAT: Moderate your tone, Ariel.

Q: I am Q. I am an omnipotent being. I am not your airy sprite and I will not foot it featly here, there, or anywhere for another excruciating minute. The arrangement was that you would release me--

SPARAT: How quickly they forget. (Advances on him) Do you remember where I found you? I could put you back inside that Spican shard tree if your memory needs--

Q: Have I or have I not consistently upheld a standard of fast, friendly and courteous service? Have I or have I not wasted the best mind the Continuum ever produced in this stagnant backwater performing two-bit
conjuring tricks so you can amaze your daughter and abuse your slave? 

SPARAT: And you are no longer omnipotent. The Continuum released you from that tree on the condition that you serve me until I have no further use for you. If I decide to end the contract--

Q: (dripping contempt) My noble master! What shall I do for you? Say what? What shall I do? Oh, please, please, please send me out to pursue another one of your addlepated fruitless eternally misconceived cunning plans to recover your former position in Central Command, I do so love to waste my talents executing schemes that a Flangian piglet could see the flaws in--

SPARAT: You know the next task. Go and perform it.

Q: This is exactly what I'm talking about You know I know what you want me to do. You only summon me here in order to deliberately humiliate me. It isn't nice.

SPARAT: Begone and do my bidding, Ariel. (Gritting his teeth, Q disappears. MIRANDA wakes up) Cabalan!

MIRANDA: I'll go.

SPARAT: No need, you're safe, I'm here. Cabalan! More fire! 

MIRANDA: I'm going. (Exits. CABALAN, a reptilian humanoid with vestigial batlike wings and a beak, enters)

CABALAN: Turn your lungs inside out with calling and choke on your own phlegm; I answer at my own pleasure.

SPARAT: Enough! Bring the fire!

CABALAN: The wood is mine. This tower is mine. This island is mine. I was born here.

SPARAT: Hatched from an egg found under a rock, laid by the harpies that pollute the forest air. A malformed orphan who would have died if I hadn't cared for you.

CABALAN: I wish I had died; I'd be with my mother.

SPARAT: You repaid my trust with revolt.

CABALAN: You said you were teaching me wisdom. You taught me nothing, except what made me a more useful slave. You were angry when I stopped learning my trade.

SPARAT: Those who will not obey suffer. It is the way of things. The universe punishes you through me.

CABALAN: Then the universe is a tyrant; the universe promises and breaks the promise, and rules by the fist and the lie.

SPARAT: The universe enforces its laws. You, half-made unshaped blot of nothing, you believe you are not subject to them. I will teach you different.

CABALAN: I will not learn.

(We now move to a forest glade, where OPHIDIA is sauntering along, disheveled but otherwise all right, with her snake basket.) 

OPHIDIA: So, one minute the ship's blowing apart and the next I've apparently somehow been transported to Fantasy Island. (Faces camera directly) So I talk to myself. Does this surprise you? (Continues walking)
I'm sure there's a technobabble explanation for all this, but someone else will have to produce it. Meanwhile...(shrugs. Starts singing to herself) Full fathom five thy father lies...of his bones are coral made...(as she continues, we watch her from the point of view of someon else who is hiding behind a stand of trees. When she reaches the end of the song, the watcher flees, leaving the tree branches rustling. OPHIDIA turns to look, but nothing is there.)

OPHIDIA: Great. I get to be the one who goes "Who's there?" right before the six-armed salt-sucking giant leech creature of Lymphoma 4 leaps out of the shadows and drains all the saline out of me. (Looks down at what she's wearing) I would have to have worn a red shirt this morning, too. (Pushes grimly forward) Full fathom five thy father lies...

(We move to BASHIR, who is slogging through a different section of the forest, progressively abandoning items of camping equipment, and in an even worse mood.)

BASHIR: Garak! (slogs further) GARAK! (stops to listen; nothing.) As if shouting would carry across half a planet. He could be anywhere. Or nowhere. (Sits down, deeply depressed) How I even got here defies any kind of rational explanation; to expect two people to be saved by whatever bizarre cosmic glitch is responsible for my continued survival would be...(Ponders this with extreme unhappiness for a few moments, then leaps up.) I won't believe it until I have to. (With great feeling, at the top of his lungs) GARAK!! (Suddenly he has a thought and whips out a tricorder. He scans the vicinity, but realizes on looking at it that the readings are gibberish)

BASHIR: That must have been some electrical storm. (Tucks the tricorder back into his pocket. He hears in the distance OPHIDIA's voice singing. He runs in its direction and sees what looks like OPHIDIA wandering around in a clearing singing to herself)

"OPHIDIA": Of his bones are coral made...those are pearls that were his eyes...nothing of him that doth fade...

BASHIR: Ophidia! (He runs toward her) Ophidia, thank God! Have you seen Gar--("OPHIDIA" stares at him, terrified, and runs with extremely un-Ophidian speed and agility away from him through the trees. BASHIR gives chase. As he is leaving the clearing, Q appears at the other edge, his back to the departing BASHIR. He is decked out as a water nymph and goes into his production number)

Q: (Singing and dancing his little heart out) Come unto these yellow sands and then take hands...Curtsey where the...uh...the waves...(Looks around for BASHIR and realizes he's gone) Oh, Puck it. (Disappears.)

(The clearing surrounding SPARAT's tower. BASHIR charges in, out of breath, and is surprised to find MIRANDA there, feeding some local variety of chicken.)

BASHIR: I...Excuse me, I'm lost and I need your help. What is this place?

MIRANDA: This is our home.

BASHIR: Does it have a name?

MIRANDA: I don't think so. My father never calls it anything.

BASHIR: Who is your father?

MIRANDA: The lord of the island. The spirits work for him.

BASHIR: Could I speak to him?

MIRANDA: Speak to me first. (He raises an eyebrow) I've never seen one like you before.

BASHIR: One what? 

MIRANDA: Man. (BASHIR squats down so that he's at eye level)

BASHIR: What's your name?

MIRANDA: My father calls me Miranda.

BASHIR: Has your father read "The Tempest"?

MIRANDA: My father has read everything. (Camera pans up the tower wall and in through the window, where SPARAT is watching them in the reflecting well. He laughs and looks up as Q appears)

Q: I couldn't find--

SPARAT: Excellent work, Ariel. Keep this up and I'll free you within the week. (Q, puzzled, glances into the well, then out the window, then shrugs and disappears. Back to MIRANDA and BASHIR)

MIRANDA: You were on the ship that split apart.

BASHIR: Yes. I was. I'm looking for the others.

MIRANDA: I am glad my father kept you safe.

BASHIR: Do you know if there are...others, like me, from the ship, here on the island?

MIRANDA: I haven't seen any. But my father told me--(SPARAT comes bursting through the door)

SPARAT: Your father told you to stay away from strangers, girl. Especially humans.

MIRANDA: Is this a human? But you told me humans were the ugliest creatures--

SPARAT: What is your business on my property? How dare you speak to my daughter?

BASHIR: I'm Dr. Julian Garak-Bashir, chief medical officer of the Federation starbase Deep Space--

SPARAT: Garak-Bashir.

BASHIR: That's right. I was travelling to Acacius 7 when our shuttlecraft broke up in the storm. I thought I had seen one of the other survivors run in this direction. Hvae you seen any other humans come this way?

SPARAT: No. Nor will you, ever. (Pulls out a Cardassian weapon and trains it on him. BASHIR pulls his phaser and fires, but nothing happens) Your weapon won't work here, but mine will. Cabalan! (CABALAN appears) Take this creature to your punishment room and chain him in.

CABALAN: I obey with pleasure. This once.

MIRANDA: No, father!

BASHIR: I don't know what you hope to accomplish by--

MIRANDA: Leave him free! I'll watch him and see that he doesn't do anything--

SPARAT: He's a traitor to our home and to nature. Even to breathe the air around him is defiling. Stand back! (MIRANDA withdraws) Approach, Calaban, and pinion him. (CABALAN locks BASHIR's arms behind his back in a pair of restraints. BASHIR looks up at SPARAT, suddenly understanding)

BASHIR: You knew Garak, didn't you? 

SPARAT: Take him down. (CALABAN starts dragging BASHIR, who struggles)

BASHIR: You brought us here because of him. You brought me here to bring him--

SPARAT: Keep silent or you will be gagged. As for my motives, you will not live long enough to devise them.

BASHIR: (showing Garak is already having an influence on his personality) Now what could you have meant by that, I wonder? Oh! I know! You're threatening to kill me because you think I care! (Laughs) Kill me, chain
me, do what you want, the important thing is that now I know you've kept Garak alive. (CABALAN drags him off. SPARAT turns to MIRANDA)

SPARAT: Do not grieve, child. If all goes well, no harm will come to--(MIRANDA runs off after CABALAN and BASHIR. SPARAT watches her go. When they are all off, he snaps his fingers and Q appears.)

Q: I wish you wouldn't do that.

SPARAT: Go to the others. 

Q: Yes, master. Perhaps you'd like me to peel you a grape first? 

SPARAT: Begone! (Q vanishes slowly, a la the Cheshire cat. SPARAT reenters the tower.)

*End Act I*