~*~

ACT III

(A cell in the basement of SPARAT's tower. It looks like what you would expect a dungeon to look like. BASHIR is chained to the wall by his wrists and ankles. The chains are long enough to allow him some mobility, but not much. He is somehow managing to sleep in this position, but evidently not very well, because he is twitching and muttering to himself. MIRANDA enters, carrying his gear, and approaches him as he hits a particularly rocky point in whatever dream he's having. She drops the gear and shakes him awake. BASHIR wakes with a start, sees MIRANDA, and screams. She recoils. He remembers the previous day's events, calms down, and slumps dejectedly against the wall)

BASHIR: Oh my God, I'm still here.

MIRANDA: Why wouldn't you be?

BASHIR: I was really hoping this part was the dream.

MIRANDA: Why?

BASHIR: Because humans are stubborn and continue to hope even after repeated disappointment.

MIRANDA: I found your things. I brought them to you. (Pushes the gear forward)

BASHIR: Thank you.

MIRANDA: (Watching him intently) My father doesn't know I'm here.

BASHIR: Who is your father?

MIRANDA: I don't know what he is other than my father. He's the only man I had ever seen, before you.

BASHIR: Does he have a name?

MIRANDA: I don't know what it is. He has never used it to me. I know that he is my father and that we came here fifteen years ago from a place called Cardassia and that he didn't want to leave.

BASHIR: You don't look that old.

MIRANDA: I am much older than I look. (BASHIR sorts through his pack) Where do you come from?

BASHIR: I...it's a long story. My people are Terrans. I live now on a space station orbiting a planet called Bajor.

MIRANDA: My father has spoken of it. He doesn't like it.

BASHIR: Well, it probably doesn't like him much either.

MIRANDA: What were you dreaming about?

BASHIR: I was dreaming about the shipwreck.

MIRANDA: It must have been awful. I'm sorry.

BASHIR: Yes and no. (Looks around) It was awful, but at least I wasn't alone.

MIRANDA: I never dream. My father doesn't know why.

BASHIR: I would think, being alone so much, you'd dream a lot. Your imagination must have to work very hard to compensate for not having other people.

MIRANDA: My imagination does work. Just not in my sleep. (Looks at him) You're right, it is terrible, being alone. I am lucky to have my father. He is a good man.

BASHIR: Perhaps he is, to you.

MIRANDA: You mustn't think he's always like this. I've never seen him treat anyone this badly, except for Cabalan who doesn't count.

BASHIR: Why doesn't Cabalan count?

MIRANDA: My father says he's not really a person. That he's part animal.

BASHIR: We're all part animal.

MIRANDA: The last time he was so angry it was the time Cabalan wanted to touch me. (Approaching him) Maybe he is anrgy this time because he thinks you want to touch me too.

BASHIR: If that's all, for God's sake tell him to set his mind at rest. (MIRANDA kneels in front of him and takes his head in her hands. She kisses him. He draws his head back; she puts her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder. He tries to move her off but the chains get in his way) Miranda!

MIRANDA: I can't bear to see you hurt. I love you. (Kisses the horrified BASHIR, but withdraws when she realizes he's not responding) Do you not love me?

BASHIR: Love you? (Bewildered) Miranda, I don't even know you. And besides--

MIRANDA: I don't know you either, but I love you. (Moves toward him)

BASHIR: Please don't.

MIRANDA: (hurt and angry) Why? What's wrong with me?

BASHIR: (amazed that he is even having this conversation) I--nothing, but--

MIRANDA: Then why don't you love me?

BASHIR: Because--this is absurd! Miranda, you're a child!

MIRANDA: I told you, I'm older than I look.

BASHIR: Well, you look like a child, and I find that very disturbing in this context.

MIRANDA: Besides, Cardassians mature faster.

BASHIR: (Interested for a moment because of Garak) Do they? (Realizes she misinterprets this as interest in her) Regardless! (Tries for a sympathetic tone) This is just a crush that you've gotten on me because I'm the first humanoid you've ever seen who's not a blood relative. It's not surprising. But it's not the same as--

MIRANDA: What is a crush?

BASHIR: It's--well, you think you're in love but really what you want is not the person you have the crush on, but something else that you associate with them. (MIRANDA shakes her head)

MIRANDA: No. I love you. (As she moves in again)

BASHIR: Miranda. I have lost my ship, my friends, and my homeland and now I am chained to a wall in extremely unsanitary conditions in a damp cellar that is probably infested. These are not the circumstances under which a healthy relationship flourishes. Leaving aside, as I said, the fact that you are twenty years younger than I am and--

MIRANDA: It's because I'm Cardassian, isn't it? You think Cardassians are ugly. You want a human like you.

BASHIR: (laughing bitterly) Believe me, Miranda, that is not the problem.

MIRANDA: Then what? Why can't you love me?

BASHIR: Because I have already--(breaks off; begins to form a plan in his mind) I have already told you, it is very hard for me to even think about love when I'm in prison.

MIRANDA: If you were free, would you love me?

BASHIR: I...it would be easier for me to consider it. (MIRANDA gets up to go. As she gets to the door) Miranda. (She turns) Cardassians are not ugly. When you are older someone else will love you. Now isn't the time or the place and I'm not the person.

MIRANDA: I will speak to my father. (She exits. BASHIR exhales)

BASHIR: At least maybe if she does he'll keep her away from me. (Roots through the pack) Ninety pounds of gear and there's still nothing in here that can cut through a chain. (Throws the pack away and slams back against the wall) I knew I should have brought the acetylene torch! If only Garak hadn't made fun of me for wanting to take it. (Sighs) Not that I minded, then. I wish he was here to laugh at me now. (Looks over at the pack, out of which the Elim teddy bear has fallen. He reaches for it, but now the pack and bear are just out of his reach. He sighs and withdraws to his position against the wall.)

* * *

(On another part of the island, QUARK, ROM and CABALAN are sitting in a circle, having abandoned plotting for a moment. QUARK and CABALAN are still downing tulaberry wine like it's grape juice. ROM is becoming restive.)

ROM: If you keep going at this rate we'll have none left to sell.

QUARK: You're right, you're right. (CABALAN reaches for the bottle) No, that's enough for one night. You're headed for a monster hangover as it is. (Laughs) Get it? Monster hangover! (Still cracking himself up, he replaces the bottle in the crate and closes it) So what is he, this master of yours? Like you?

CABALAN: Uglier.

QUARK: What does he look like?

CABALAN: He is...he is green.

QUARK: Well, that's nice.

ROM: How did he get to be your master?

CABALAN: He has spirits that work for him. I must obey him or they punish me.

QUARK: Well, we have spirits that work for us, too. (Pats the crate.)

CABALAN: Yes. Yes. You could rule here, instead of him. I can help you.

ROM: We're not interested in political conquest.

QUARK: That's right. We're strictly entrepreneurial. Beyond a certain point confusing the two is bad for sales.

CABALAN: If you were king, you could make everyone buy your wine.

ROM: Ah, but we can do that anyway.

QUARK: Yes, it's much easier to let the market do the work. Much less messy and dangerous.

CABALAN: The market? (QUARK and ROM put their hands over their hearts, look up toward the heavens, and intone solemnly) 

QUARK & ROM: The Market. May it grow forever.

CABALAN: Can this market destroy a king?

QUARK: It can do better. It can make him irrelevant. (Puts an arm around CABALAN and draws him closer) Who controls the army and makes the laws doesn't really matter. People think it does but they're wrong. It's all
about profit.

ROM: The third rule of acquisition states--

QUARK: "Money is power, but power is not necessarily money."

CABALAN: My master is strong.

QUARK: That's nice for him.

CABALAN: He took the island from me by force. It belongs to me. I was born here.

ROM: And he wasn't?

CABALAN: No. He is from...(remembers the word) Cardassia.

QUARK: Ah, that's why we can understand him.

CABALAN: Yes. He taught me his language. 

ROM: You know, I thought you might be Cardassian, when I saw you at first.

CABALAN: (angry and offended) I am not Cardassian! I am from this place!

QUARK: (soothingly) Of course you are.

CABALAN: Could your market defeat my master?

QUARK: Probably.

CABALAN: Come with me. I will show you my master's house, where all the good things are, and the money, if your market will beat him.

ROM: I don't know if we should, Brother.

QUARK: Why not? This is what being a Ferengi is all about! To explore new markets! To seek out new products and new consumer populations! To boldly sell where no Ferengi has sold before! (They exit)

* * * 

(Another part of the forest. ODO and GARAK lead the way through the woods toward the stream. DUKAT and STEBAN straggle behind, pretending that they are not following them)

STEBAN: What happened?

DUKAT: It's hard to explain.

STEBAN: You're not going squeamish, are you?

DUKAT: No! (they walk) He was curled up like a baby with a stuffed toy. He looked like my son. I couldn't just--

STEBAN: Well, you'll have to just, one way or another. Watch for another chance.

DUKAT: It shouldn't be long.

ODO: I wish they'd stop following us. I don't trust those two.

GARAK: I'll watch your back, Odo, don't worry.

ODO: It's yours that's in danger, I think.

GARAK: He wouldn't defile himself by stabbing me. (They reach the stream.  GARAK takes a small cube of folded plastic from his bag and gives it a shake. It becomes an empty clear plastic gallon jug. He fills it at the
stream)

ODO: You travel light, but very efficiently.

GARAK: I expected to have to carry half of Julian's equipment. I knew he'd overpack.

ODO: You seem in better spirits today.

GARAK: Seem being the operative word, Constable. (He caps the jug and sits on the bank) Think how you'd feel if it were Major Kira who--

ODO: (shocked) What do you mean? (GARAK smiles in spite of himself)

GARAK: Oh, come now, Odo, you can't possibly think you've been keeping that a secret.

ODO: How do you--I mean what makes you think--

GARAK: Constable! Please! That night at the resonances concert on the promenade? If you'd shape-shifted into a beagle puppy you couldn't have mooned after her more obviously. I thought you were a puppy for a moment.

ODO: Nonsense. The major and I--

GARAK: You pull away from everyone who comes closer to you than about 25 centimeters, except for her. She's the only one who can put a hand on your shoulder without your entire body tensing up and aside from your having breakfast with me that one time after the disaster of which we vowed never to speak of again, she's the only person I have ever seen you sit with through an entire meal. These are the signs, Odo. I know them. To my sorrow.

ODO: (terrified) Do you think she can tell? (GARAK laughs)

GARAK: The object is always the last to know, Odo. Nobody will tell her; they respect your privacy too much for that. Nobody respected mine, of course. (Garak drinks from the jug) You're safe. And better off.

ODO: I don't know about that. (DUKAT and STEBAN, meanwhile, are slightly upstream, drinking from their cupped hands and spilling all over themselves.) 

GARAK: Look at them. (DUKAT becomes impatient with the hands method and lies down on the bank on his stomach, sticking his head into the water to drink) You'd think the man had never taken a field training course. (DUKAT lifts his head out) Dukat, didn't your instructor tell you never to put your head underwater when you're in enemy territory? (DUKAT ignores him)

(Suddenly on the opposite bank there is a bright flash of light and a huge table appears, loaded down with many kinds of goodies and beverages. GARAK, ODO, DUKAT and STEBAN stare.)

DUKAT: Strange.

GARAK: Indeed.

STEBAN: It's food, and I'm starved. (Starts crossing the stream)

DUKAT: Get back here, you imbecile, that can't possibly be real. (STEBAN reaches the table and picks up a piece of fruit. He bites into it)

STEBAN: It is too real! And see? It's not poisoned! (Attacks the rest of the food. DUKAT shrugs and fords the stream)

GARAK: This is bizarre.

ODO: It's a good sign.

GARAK: Why?

ODO: I've suspected since we landed here that there was something wrong with this picture. Bashir said before we broke up that the readings were inconsistent with an electromagnetic storm. Our being still alive is
certainly inconsistent with what generally happens when a ship disintegrates in a planet's atmosphere. The laws of physics appear not to be working here.

GARAK: And you find this comforting?

ODO: If that storm wasn't real, and if we landed here by magic of some kind, and this banquet has just materialized out of nowhere, don't you see that means--(Q appears behind the table, dressed as a French chef)

Q: Ah, messieur, your table awaits! Venez, venez, it is not good for ze estomac to go zo long without la belle cuisine! See, your friends, ze skinny lizard in ze ridiculous outfit and ze little chameleon with ze tiny
tiny brain, zey are already feasting zemselves! You, ze gloopy one with ze runny nose, and you, ze fashion plate, come and eat ze food or I will taunt you a second time! (GARAK and ODO look at each other and start crossing the stream) Ah, yes, I zee you cannot reseest! Come, come, I live to serve! (Breaks into song) Be our guest, be our guest, put our zervice to ze test...

GARAK: I suppose this is what they mean by island hospitality. (As he touches the food, the table disappears with a thunderclap and Q is suddenly floating above them decked out in his judge robes from "All Good Things" and in that big judge chair)

Q: Different from the hospitality you showed him, isn't it?

GARAK: What are you talking about? Who are you?

Q: It's enough for you that I know who you are, Elim Garak. This court will come to order!

DUKAT: This is ludicrous. (Tries to leave; Q fetches him back)

Q: Ambassador Dukat and Gul Steban, you are also charged in this matter. Do not attempt to escape my justice, this court's jurisdiction is wide and will find you in any place you could possibly run to.

DUKAT: What are we charged with? Who charged us?

Q: If I told you that, it wouldn't be a Cardassian trial, now would it? (Moves up in his chair, laughing) I give you what you gave him, no more and no less!

GARAK: Sparat.

Q: Exile! Separation. Loss. Exposure. Privation. (With relish) Death.

GARAK: Oh, I've been living with all that for years.

Q: But you've never had anything valuable enough to lose. Until now. (Takes the Elim bear out of his robes and tosses it at GARAK's feet.) As for the others...their punishment may take longer but it will be just as severe. (To ODO) My master bears you no grudge. I have been empowered to transport you home.

ODO: I'm not leaving without the others.

GARAK: This is my history, Odo. It's not yours. Go.

ODO: Quark, Rom, and Dr. Bashir. I want to see them here and I want them sent home with me.

Q: Pas possible, mon cher. They're all grease for the wheels of justice.

ODO: What you call justice.

Q: What is justice, shape shifter. An eye for an eye. (Looks at DUKAT) A child for a child. (At GARAK) A mate for a mate. (At STEBAN) A life for a life. (To ODO) Leave alone, or stay and suffer with them.

ODO: I'm staying.

Q: Suit yourself and your strange conscience. The rest of you, pray to that big lizard in the hot Cardassian sky, because my master has no mercy to beg for. (He disappears, laughing. GARAK kneels down and picks up the Elim bear, which has been torn and dirtied. He sits, holding it, staring into space. DUKAT looks around in perplexity and frustration, then finally breaks and walks over to GARAK)

DUKAT: Why did you say Sparat?

GARAK: Because Steban was the executor. It's the only one that all three of us had a hand in.

STEBAN: Sparat is dead.

GARAK: Evidently not! Or else someone has certainly made a project of keeping his memory green. You were supposed to take him to Gentra Prime.

STEBAN: There was a storm. The ship broke up. I barely got out alive.

GARAK: I think you abandoned ship before it broke up, left him in there, and came home and reported it destroyed.

DUKAT: Whereas in fact it survived the storm and landed here intact with him in it.

STEBAN: This is insane! How could he have survived here for this long?

ODO: You've survived for this long and you have the wilderness skills of an infant tribble.

GARAK: It's not that hostile an environment. And if the shuttle survived, with all his things in it--

DUKAT: What did he mean, a child for a child?

GARAK: Dukat...(Looking at him with compassion) When was the last time you spent an afternoon with your son?

DUKAT: Last weekend. We finally made it to the amusement center.

GARAK: Ah. That's lucky. (Looks down at the bear) Go over it in your mind, Dukat, and get the details memorized. The hardest thing about exile is losing your memories.

* * *

(Back to BASHIR's cell. BASHIR is attempting to understand why the bear, which was there a minute ago, has disappeared. As he cogitates, OPHIDIA comes running down the steps carring an iron ring with a set of keys on it.)

BASHIR: Ophidia!

OPHIDIA: Sssh. (Unlocks the restraints. He stands up, chafing his wrists)

BASHIR: How did you get in here?

OPHIDIA: Never mind, time is short. Let's go. (She takes his wrist and leads him up the stairs. He reaches for the pack) Leave it, we won't need it. (they run out of the building, across the clearing, through the woods
and onto the beach by the foot of the cliffs. She leads him into a cave at the base of one of them and they rest in the darkness) We'll be safe in here.

BASHIR: How did you find me? Where are the others? Have you seen Garak? (OPHIDIA puts a hand over his mouth)

OPHIDIA: Ssssh. (She moves the hand around to the back of his head, pulls it toward her, and kisses him. With a stifled expression of surprise and dismay, BASHIR pushes her away and leaps to his feet)

BASHIR: What is the matter with you?

OPHIDIA: Don't be so hasty, Doctor. (She walks toward him. He backs up against the cave wall, terrified) We're both adults, aren't we? And what better way to celebrate your new freedom?

BASHIR: Ophidia, please, don't do this to me, this is perverse.

OPHIDIA: (Toying with his hair with one hand) Is that a good thing? (BASHIR whips out a tricorder and points it at her) What are you doing?

BASHIR: Scanning you for brain damage.

OPHIDIA: A girl doesn't have to be brain damaged to fall for you, does she?

BASHIR: You said so yourself just the other day! (OPHIDIA moves closer) And what about that woman on Caledonia?

OPHIDIA: Caledonia?

BASHIR: (Pushing her away and backing toward the cave entrance) Look, Ophidia, the instruments don't work so I can't do a formal diagnosis, but from observation alone it is clear you've suffered some kind of cranial
trauma that has led to cognitive impairment, long-term memory loss, and some bloody bizarre behavioral patterns. I think you should rest here while I go find Garak and the others--

OPHIDIA: (frustrated) Garak and Garak! What is Garak?

BASHIR: Dear God, it's worse than I thought. (He turns to go; Q appears, dressed like Mary Poppins, and blocks his path)

Q: Here you are! Did we escape from our playpen?

BASHIR: Q.

Q: Naughty, naughty, playing hide and seek without permission! (Waves at BASHIR, who becomes a toddler in a blue sleeper suit with a rattle.) Come on, spit-spot, let's go home and spend some time in the naughty corner thinking about what we've done. (Tucks baby BASHIR under his arm and vanishes. "OPHIDIA," disgruntled, kicks at a rock on the floor. Q reappears, minus the toddler, in his Starfleet togs)

Q: (Looking "OPHIDIA" over) Nice job. Very sophisticated. You're improving dramatically.

"OPHIDIA": Go away.

Q: But if you really want to seduce him, you should try counterfeiting someone a little more attractive. (Vanishes.)

* * *

(We now see the real OPHIDIA, who is still wandering aimlessly through the forest. She comes to a meadow, pauses, then spreads her arms out airplane style and runs through it singing the "Voyager" theme. At the end, she tilts up her arms and makes the 'warp' noise. She stops and listens. It is very quiet. She holds up an imaginary envelope)

OPHIDIA: And the Emmy for "Best Performance In A Completely Gratuitous Cameo" goes to...Ophidia Varegia, Deep Space 9! (OPHIDIA mimes accepting the imaginary award and, clutching it, begins her acceptance speech) I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible...my snakes, Tartan, Black Watch, and Madras, for their love and support, the Royal Shakespeare Company for giving me my start, my high school voice teacher, and most of all (becoming resentful and addressing her remarks to the heavens) I'd like to thank the author of this episode, for making this the first ever piece of Mary Sue fiction in which the Mary Sue character is the only one to whom NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!!

(Suddenly there is a crash as a large, flying creature hurtles against a tree trunk nearby at high speed and tumbles into the underbrush below with a shriek. The underbrush trembles violently as whatever it is thrashes
about. OPHIDIA gulps.)

OPHIDIA: OK, I guess I pretty much asked for that. (Approaches the thicket carefully and pulls it apart, discovering a female humanoid with wings as well as human arms and the legs, talons and tail of a raptor. It is curled up and twitching, and one of its wings is bent.) Jesus. Are you all right?

BIRD WOMAN: You speak my language.

OPHIDIA: Yes, it's strange, but without that convention the show wouldn't--

BIRD WOMAN: Help. My wing.

OPHIDIA: Yes, of course. (She disentangles the bird woman from the thicket) Lucky for you I have a vet friend who works in raptor rehab. (Steadies the injured wing as the bird woman gets to her feet) All we need is a really big splint. I think. (Helps the bird woman lie down in the clearing and spreads the wing out on the ground) I'll go see what I can find. Watch the snakes, will you? (Begins leaving) Watch the snakes. What am I saying.  (returns, picks up the basket, and leaves)

*End Act III*