ROUND I

(The candles have burnt lower and the meal is pretty much over. The guests sit around the table in various poses of repletion. The bottle of Falerni is empty. OPHIDIA is in the middle of telling a story. BASHIR is stacking plates in the kitchen)

SISKO: In the snow? All night long?

OPHIDIA: Oh, yes. Sat there like a dog at its master's grave, looking up at her window. We went out to see if we could shift him, but he wouldn't listen to reason. Finally we sent Derak out there--he was a Vulcan--to see what he could do. I don't think the arguments convinced the poor boy, but Derak annoyed him so much he eventually went back inside to get away from him.

SISKO: How long do you think I have before Jake is doing stuff like this?

OPHIDIA: Two, three years. If he's lucky he'll get it out of his system early.

DAX: (to GARAK) The chocolate cheesecake is almost as good as the boeuf en daube.

GARAK: Thank Julian; he's the dessert specialist.

BASHIR: (calling out from the kitchen) It's nothing, really. It's very easy to make. Garak, I can't find that raspberry syrup we had to drizzle on the top. Do you remember where I left it?

GARAK: Last I saw it was in the bedr--

BASHIR: Never mind, never mind. (Returns.)

OPHIDIA: (to SISKO) When he goes off to that writing program, give him two pieces of advice. Number one: don't write about your first sexual experience, it's not interesting to anyone except you, and number two: never play "I Never" with someone you have a crush on.

DAX: Oh, "I Never!" That's a great idea! Let's do it!

OPHIDIA: Oh no.

SISKO: I'm not playing this game with Dax. I've been there. It's not pretty.

OPHIDIA: After 500 years she's done everything you can think of to anything you can imagine. I know your tolerance is high, but--

DAX: Oh come on. It'll be fun! We're going to be stuck here for five hours anyway--

O'BRIEN: More like seven. One of the new trainees misaligned the polarization matrix.

ODO: Let me see if I understand this...game. We all sit around in a circle and whoever's turn it is says something they've never done. Anyone else who has ever done this thing has to drink.

KIRA: Right.

ODO: And the object of this game is...?

O'BRIEN: Well, there are really two objectives. One is to embarrass your friends and the other is to drink a great deal.

GARAK: I believe I detect a possible third objective, which is to boast about one's past exploits...

BASHIR: And a fourth, which is to kill time, which we have plenty of. I'm game.

OPHIDIA: Don't be too hasty, Doctor. This is not a good game to play as a couple. You may think you know all his secrets--

BASHIR: Oh, I'm not even close to thinking I know all his secrets.

GARAK: What are the penalties for withholding or misrepresenting information?

OPHIDIA: Well...there aren't any, really.

GARAK: Then how do you enforce accuracy?

DAX: You just...

KIRA: People just tell the truth. I mean, most people do, usually, Garak. It's like...well, it's an honor system. (GARAK laughs)

GARAK: This should be interesting. (Picks up the remaining bottles of spirits and brings them into the living area; the others follow with their glasses.)

SISKO: All right, I'll play, but only if we limit Dax to the history of her present host.

DAX: Aw, Benjamin! That's not fair!

SISKO: I saw what happened last time we played this with Curzon. Their quarters are lovely and I don't want them to have to clean your boeuf en daube off the--

DAX: Please, Benjamin. All right, I consent. (Everyone settles around the table.) Odo, you go first.

ODO: (after a pause) What do I do?

O'BRIEN: Say something you've never done. (ODO thinks)

ODO: I've never eaten rakht. (Groans. DAX, BASHIR and SISKO all grudgingly drink.)

DAX: Odo, that is lame.

ODO: Well it's true, I never have.

DAX: Ophidia, show him how this works.

OPHIDIA: All right, let's start with an easy one: I've never had sex with an alien. (More groans. Everyone drinks but ODO.)

KIRA: Oh, come on. I mean, who hasn't? (OPHIDIA notices that O'BRIEN is drinking)

OPHIDIA: Hey, Chief, what are you doing? Keiko may *act* like an alien, but--

O'BRIEN: I had a life before Keiko, thank you very much.

BASHIR: And obviously it's about time we heard about it.

O'BRIEN: I'm sorry, Julian, those files are encrypted.

DAX: Oh, no no no no no. You're not getting off that easy.

BASHIR: Don't tell me you made it with Deanna Troi.

O'BRIEN: Not bloody likely.

BASHIR: Ensign Ro then.

O'BRIEN: Look, it was a long time ago, when I was first stationed to the Enterprise. (We are now in flashback land. We will be spending a lot of time there, so I may as well develop a convention: when you see FLASHBACK, that's where you are. A young O'BRIEN is squatting in front of the control panel in a holodeck, which he has opened and is poking around in. The holodeck has been set for a dramatic seacoast landscape; they are apparently standing on the grassy top of a tall cliff that drops vertically into the ocean. The sky is overcast and seabirds fly through the air between the cliffs and the sea, which is breaking on the white rocks of the beach. All in all, it would be idyllic if Kahless, Klingon warrior messiah extroardinaire, was not waving a batl'eth and locked in mortal combat with K'PRIN, a Vulcan female who is dressed in the traditional medieval noblewoman garb and consequently not holding her own against him as well as she might.)

K'PRIN: (calmly, as she attempts to fend him off) If you could at least reestablish the safety parameters, I would be very grateful.

O'BRIEN: I can't for the life of me figure out how he got in here. (Zots a few things in the panel with a gadget) There appears to be some kind of virus that's causing the programs to bleed into each other.

KAHLESS: You fight well. But you have chosen your armor poorly.

K'PRIN: I did not foresee this eventuality.

O'BRIEN: I think the safety parameters are back, anyway. (KAHLESS scores a hit with the batl'eth on 
K'PRIN's arm; it bleeds.)

K'PRIN: Observation would indicate that your conclusion is premature. (O'BRIEN fiddles more. 
KAHLESS scores on the other arm, but nothing happens) Ah. They have indeed been restored, O'Brien. Thank you. (Turns her back on KAHLESS, who, incredulous, begins having at her with the batl'eth. As she talks to O'BRIEN, he continues to attack her from behind, but she does not feel anything. He becomes increasingly frustrated.) You do very good work.

O'BRIEN: I try. (Looks around) Isn't this the Cliffs of Moher?

K'PRIN: You know it then.

O'BRIEN: I grew up not far from there. (Walks around) I didn't know they had a program for them.

K'PRIN: I wrote it myself. I am a student of comparative mythology. (Follows him to the cliff edge) The choice of place is historically inaccurate. I ought to have used a landscape farther north. However, I have no personal experience of the northern terrain.

O'BRIEN: Why the north?

K'PRIN: The story is part of the Fionn cycle. (KAHLESS finally tires of his activities and sits down, sulkily, to sharpen his batl'eth.) Therefore it should take place in the north.

O'BRIEN: Which are you? (Looks at her) No-don't tell me--Grainne.

K'PRIN: You are correct. The program was supposed to provide me with a Diarmuid. Instead it produced Kahless. (O'BRIEN laughs)

O'BRIEN: Probably figured Klingon, ancient Celt, close enough. I must say, I'm a little surprised. I thought Vulcans were supposed to be so rational. (K'PRIN raises an eyebrow) This is all--so--well--romantic.

K'PRIN: It is precisely because we are so rational and pragmatic the greater part of our lives that we are drawn at times to the marvellous and the implausible.

O'BRIEN: You're the only Vulcan I've ever heard admit that.

K'PRIN: There are many aspects of my personality that are in conflict with accepted Vulcan teaching.

O'BRIEN: It must be difficult for you.

K'PRIN: It is. For instance, I am not satisfied with one sexual encounter per seven year period. This is a great difficulty.

O'BRIEN: (somewhat taken aback, but forging on) Why?

K'PRIN: The idea of recreational sex is antithetical to Vulcan philosophy. There is no logical justification for such activity; it produces nothing and uses time and resources that could be spent more profitably. It is difficult to find other Vulcans who are willing to challenge this assumption.

O'BRIEN: So you come here.

K'PRIN: Precisely. Unfortunately, the program has not provided me with the lover I had expected. (Looks at O'BRIEN) You are familiar with the narrative.

O'BRIEN: Y--yes...

K'PRIN: Is your help needed elsewhere at the moment?

O'BRIEN: (thinks long and hard; finally comes to a decision) No.

K'PRIN: I am grateful. (She takes his arm; he is still having trouble believing that this is happening to him. They walk away from the beach, through the woods, and eventually reach a stream bed.)

K'PRIN: Ah. Here we are. (Hitches up her skirts and wades into the stream bed. As the reaches the middle the water rises higher. She stops and turns to O'BRIEN when it reaches about mid-thigh. O'BRIEN, who knows what is coming next, stands on the bank getting nervous. Dispassionately and by rote) You see, Diarmuid, how the water itself is bold enough to attempt what you dare not. (O'BRIEN gulps and begins fording the stream. He meets her in the middle)

O'BRIEN: Do you think we could put a little more...feeling...into this?

K'PRIN: Feelings are your responsibility. I know very little about them.

O'BRIEN: Very well, I'll see if I can muster up enough for both of us. (As they embrace in the middle of the river, the camera goes over their heads and we see KAHLESS approaching with a newly-honed batl'eth and a flock of galloping ostriches behind him. The screen dissolves and we are back in the living room.)

DAX: So this is one of the perks of being an engineer. You get called in to fix erotic holodeck programs gone awry.

O'BRIEN: Well, usually when you get a maintenance call that sort of thing doesn't happen. (BASHIR shakes his head) Ordinarily I would have fled screaming from the place, but there was something about her...I admired her greatly. It's not easy to fly in the face of consensus when you're a Vulcan.

DAX: Benjamin, it's your turn. Try to make it a good one.

SISKO: All right, Dax. (Grins wickedly at her) I've never had sex in a science lab. (DAX grimaces; she and BASHIR both drink)

KIRA: Oh, don't even tell me. After spending all those afternoons complaining to me about him--

GARAK: Now, now. All we know for sure is that both of them have at some point had sex in a laboratory. That does not necessarily mean they have had it with each other.

BASHIR: Thank you.

GARAK: My pleasure.

O'BRIEN: Well, we can soon settle that. I've never had sex *with Dax* in a laboratory. (BASHIR sighs and drinks)

GARAK: Doctor, I'm surprised at you. It's not like you to be so unprofessional.

BASHIR: (Glaring at DAX) Well, I didn't exactly have a *choice.*

DAX: Oh, you did so. (FLASHBACK. The bio lab, circa first season. DAX is attempting to check on some cultures she's growing but being somewhat hindered by BASHIR, who is following her around from petri dish to petri dish, keeping up a non-stop stream of chatter)

BASHIR: Just dinner. That's all I'm asking. There's this great new Klingon restaurant that's opening up on the promenade--

DAX: No thank you; I've got about all the worms I can handle right now.

BASHIR: I know, I know, I'm being a pest. I'll stop now. (Looks over her shoulder) I'd accept defeat and get over it, I really would, it's just that working so closely with you it's--it's just torture. (DAX leans on the table and sighs.) I'm sorry, I know, I really ought to have better control over my emotions, but...

DAX: But you're young.

BASHIR: I'm sorry?

DAX: (turning around to face him) Very, very, very young. (Walks over to a lab table with some instruments and glassware on it and sweeps it all onto the floor) All right, let's go, right now.

BASHIR: (suddenly very afraid) You mean...

DAX: I can give you twenty minutes before I have to change the nitrogen concentrations in the test cultures. (BASHIR gapes) What are you waiting for?

BASHIR: I...this is all so sudden. (Takes a step forward, warily) And besides, you don't *really* like me. I can tell.

DAX: That's got nothing to do with it. We have to work together as colleagues and it's clear that until we get this over with you'll never be able to deal with me in a professional capacity. (Smiles at him) You're lucky I find you attractive, or I wouldn't choose this particular way to resolve the problem.

BASHIR: So you *do* find me attractive.

DAX: On a purely aesthetic level.

BASHIR: I'm not sure about--(DAX advances to him, seizes him by the uniform, and drags him back to the table. As she lifts him onto it, the scene dissovles into the living room again.)

DAX: I still think it was the best twenty minutes I ever spent. It did wonders for our working relationship. (KIRA shakes her head)

KIRA: I don't even want to *think* about it.

BASHIR: Indeed, let's not. Major, it's your turn.

KIRA: I've never...(looking around the circle, her eye catches Garak's) I've never tortured a Bajoran. (GARAK laughs bitterly and drinks. BASHIR looks at her, angry)

DAX: Well, *you're* a bundle of laughs this evening.

SISKO: I thought the spirit of the game was--

GARAK: Never mind, Captain. It's your turn.

SISKO: All right. I've never...had sex with someone who worked under me.

DAX: Ah, it must be lonely at the top. (KIRA notices that BASHIR is, sheepishly, drinking)

KIRA: Julian? (A chorus of hoots from the assembly) Oh, not that nurse from Karin province--(BASHIR blushes) I'm appalled.

BASHIR: I was young! I was foolish!

KIRA: You were a--

BASHIR: All right, all right, I was a pig. I admit it.

DAX: You certainly were.

BASHIR: But I've learned, haven't I? Grown? Matured? (GARAK pats him soothingly)

GARAK: Of course you have. Otherwise I wouldn't be seen dead with you, you know that. Come on, it's your turn. I can't wait.

BASHIR: I've never had sex in a racketball court.

GARAK: Well, I'm relieved to hear it.

BASHIR: I thought you would be. (KIRA drinks surreptitiously and manages to get away with it before anyone notices.)

GARAK: Well, let's see if I can think of something I've never done...oh, I know. I've never had sex in an alternate universe.

BASHIR: Oh, you beast. (BASHIR and SISKO both drink.)

SISKO: (in response to DAX's stare) Well, it was part of my cover. Don't look at me like that.

O'BRIEN: (to BASHIR) Wait now. I never heard about *this.* Do tell.

BASHIR: It was before I managed to get out of the ore processing facility. We were leaving at the end of our shift, and--(stops short as he notices suddenly that KIRA is slowly and deliberately raising her glass. She laughs evilly as he stares at her)

KIRA: (lifting the glass to BASHIR, cheerfully) Cheers! (Tosses it back. BASHIR is horrified)

BASHIR: Oh my God. That was YOU? (FLASHBACK. KIRA, wearing some interesting leather ensemble that the Intedndant has picked out for her, is wandering aimlessly and disgruntledly down the corridor outside the ore processing center. The doors open and the guards begin filing out, leading the slaves behind them. They move pretty slowly, as the slaves are very tired and also wearing wrist restraints. BASHIR is among them. He does not look well. KIRA stands against the wall to let them go by, but the guards insist on stopping to salute her as they pass)

GUARD: Intendant.

KIRA: I'm not the--(the guard has already moved on.)

GUARD #2: Intendant.

KIRA: She's over in the--(the other guard moves away before she can finish.)

GUARD #3: Intendant.

KIRA: (sighs) Well done, carry on.

GUARD #4: Intendant. (KIRA inclines her head. She is beginning to get into character. At this point ODO stops beside her)

KIRA: Everything in order, Constable?

ODO: Of course. In fact it was an unusually productive session. (BASHIR stumbles; one of the guards prods him; he gets up slowly) Except for this one. I don't know where he came from but they didn't raise him for the life of a Terran. Garak has suggested liquidating him, but we wanted to ask your opinion on the matter. (To BASHIR) You! Step out of the file. (BASHIR does) What do you think, Intendant?

KIRA: (Walking around him and looking him up and down) It's true he's feeble. (Steps back and gives him a long, appraising look) But not without potential, I think. Leave him with me for a while, Constable, I'll see if I can't find something he's good for..

ODO: Understood. (KIRA walks over to a room on one side of the corridor and opens the door. She is about to enter but turns to look at BASHIR, who is still standing in the corridor)

KIRA: Well, what are you waiting for? (BASHIR stares at her) Make yourself useful. (BASHIR enters the room behind her; the scene dissolves)

BASHIR: You let me go on thinking, all that time--

KIRA: I was going to tell you as soon as we got out of the corridor, but you didn't give me a chance.

BASHIR: Well, of course not, I thought my life depended on my performance and the more time I gave myself to think about that, the more chance that--

KIRA: I would have said something afterwards, but then Garak walked in on us, and I had to send him back to the slave quarters or it would have looked--

BASHIR: How could you not tell me? I could have escaped then instead of--

KIRA: What can I say, Doctor? You took my breath away.

OPHIDIA: Well, you got out all right, that's the important thing.

BASHIR: Yes, but--

KIRA: And don't tell me you didn't enjoy it.

BASHIR: I--I don't even know *what* to think any more. (Clings onto GARAK for safety) Keep her away from me, she's evil. (KIRA laughs. GARAK pats his head)

GARAK: Don't worry, Pookums, I won't let her near you.

ODO, SISKO and O'BRIEN, in unison: *Pookums?* (There is a universal groan.)

OPHIDIA: Excuse me, has anyone got a bucket? I think I need to throw up.

BASHIR: Oh, as if you don't have more embarrassing names for your--

OPHIDIA: All right, there's no need to get into that. (Stands up) Looks like you could all use a refill. Except for Odo here.

GARAK: Odo! We forgot about Odo. We'll have to think up something for him.

ODO: Don't put yourself out on my account. I don't get thirsty.

DAX: Can I use your bathroom?

BASHIR: Go right ahead. (She exits) I'll just go put away the rest of the cheesecake and we can settle in for Round Two.