ROUND II

(As OPHIDIA tops up everyone's glass, BASHIR and KIRA are still arguing over the last round's events.)

BASHIR: I just can't believe you would take advantage of me like--

KIRA: I saved your life, Doctor. If I hadn't run into you they would have asked the *real* Intendant about liquidating you and I don't think she would have been as lenient.

BASHIR: I suppose that's true enough. (Laughs) And it was almost worth it, just to see Garak take the whole thing in stride when he walked in on us.

KIRA: You remember, he even asked if there was anything he could do to--

ODO: (irritated) Are we going to start this second round or not?

GARAK: You're absolutely right, Odo, this is becoming distinctly tedious. You begin.

ODO: I've never fired a weapon. (Groaning, everyone but OPHIDIA drinks.)

DAX: Bo-ring!

ODO: If I am not mistaken, there is nothing in the rules that stipulates that the questions all have to have some reference to sexual activity. And frankly, I'm astonished that you can sustain interest in this topic for as long as you have. Isn't there anything else that's important to you?

OPHIDIA: Of course there is, Odo. Let's see. I've never...uh...oh, to hell with it. I've never had sex in a turbolift. (DAX and KIRA drink; ODO looks down anxiously at his glass as if trying to decide whether he should drink or not. BASHIR and GARAK confer for a moment while the others badger DAX and KIRA)

SISKO: But they travel so quickly. I wouldn't think you'd have time.

DAX: Well, you have to disable it. At least if you want to do it properly.

O'BRIEN: So *that's* why the turbolift to the holosuites is always out of order.

KIRA: Bareil and I always repaired it afterwards. It's the polite thing to do.

BASHIR: Wait a moment. I think we need to establish some parameters. What exactly are we counting as sex?

ODO: Yes, I'd like a clarification of that as well.

BASHIR: For heterosexual encounters, all right, I think we agree on the definition, but with us--

OPHIDIA: That's usually up to the conscience of the individual player.

DAX: The rule I always use is that anything where you reach orgasm counts. (BASHIR laughs; GARAK is dismayed)

GARAK: I wish I'd told everyone to bring mineral water.

BASHIR: Don't worry, I know some excellent hangover remedies. (Raises his glass; GARAK lifts his and they both drink. ODO shrugs and drinks.)

SISKO: Constable!

ODO: If anyone says a *word* to me about this I'm leaving. I can, you know.

SISKO: All right, all right. I've never had sex while possessed by an alien being. (DAX and KIRA raise their glasses to each other)

KIRA: I do apologize. If it had really been me, I would have taken a more...sensitive approach.

DAX: Oh, you were just fine. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out that you were seducing me. (They drink)

SISKO: At least you two had some fun during that disaster. All I got out of it was a model clock and a serious headache. (To O'BRIEN) You remember, those energy spheres that we picked up from the Klingon ship.

O'BRIEN: Ah.

DAX: All right, I've never...used caramel sauce as a marital aid. (GARAK and BASHIR, embarrassed, clink glasses and drink. O'BRIEN follows up)

O'BRIEN: I've never touched another man's willy.

GARAK: What's a willy? (BASHIR whispers to him. GARAK laughs and fills his glass from the bottle.)

BASHIR: Oh, come on. *Never*?

O'BRIEN: Never.

BASHIR: You don't know what you're missing. (He and GARAK clink and drink. SISKO also drinks. O'BRIEN is surprised; SISKO is embarrassed)

DAX: You see, *that's* why he didn't want me answering for my previous hosts.

SISKO: It was late, we were drunk...

DAX: Don't listen to him, Chief. He knew what he was doing.

BASHIR: I've never had sex with a hologram.

O'BRIEN: *Never*?

BASHIR: Never.

O'BRIEN: (Drinking) I don't buy *that*.

GARAK: He would have if he had better computer programming skills, Chief. (BASHIR swats him) I've never had sex in the infirmary. (BASHIR raises his glass, then stares at GARAK)

BASHIR: Yes you have.

GARAK: Just making sure you were paying attention. (They toast and drink.)

ODO: I've never--

DAX: This better contain the word "sex," Odo. (ODO growls)

ODO: All right. I've never...had sex...in my office. (BASHIR and GARAK, accompanied by much raillery from the others, clink and drink. ODO is appalled) In *my* office?

BASHIR: I had gone in to see you about D'Jonn's contestation hearing and you weren't there--

GARAK: And I happened to come by to invite you for breakfast--

BASHIR: And those new gravimetric restraints you were demoing were just sitting out there on top of the desk--

ODO: (to SISKO) I'm going to have to request a new office.

SISKO: Don't be ridiculous, Constable. I'm sure they cleaned up after themselves.

OPHIDIA: (as ODO is about to press the issue further) Moving right along...Major, I think it's your turn. (KIRA opens her mouth) And play nice, Major, things are getting dicey enough.

KIRA: I've never...had sex on a first date. (DAX drinks; GARAK and BASHIR confer)

KIRA: Mr. Let's-count-our-spots?

DAX: No, this was in secondary school, before I was joined. Drindl Patar, my microbiophysics lab partner. Not much of a conversationalist, but what a set of--

OPHIDIA: OK, I don't think we really need to go down that road any farther.

GARAK: But that wasn't really a *date,* Doctor.

BASHIR: Yes it was. We had a pretext and everything.

GARAK: Still, I'm not really sure--

BASHIR: Oh, let's count it. Live a little.

GARAK: Very well, Doctor. (They toast to each other. FLASHBACK to Garak's quarters just after the apprehension of D'Jonn in "Sigh No More." GARAK enters first, followed by BASHIR. They proceed down the entryway into the open living area. GARAK stops in the middle; BASHIR stops behind him in the doorway. Without turning around, GARAK spreads his arms to indicate the space)

GARAK: Well, this is it. (BASHIR moves forward, slowly.)

BASHIR: I think this is only the second time I've seen your quarters. (GARAK nods, his back still to BASHIR) The first was during that trouble you had with the wire.

GARAK: I remember. (BASHIR remains standing a few feet behind GARAK, conscious of a sudden distance between them.) You were good to me.

BASHIR: You were in pain. (GARAK begins walking about casually, and resumes his usual sardonic tone)

GARAK: I haven't told you since, Doctor, and I regret not doing it before now, how glad I am that it's gone. Even during the worst of the withdrawal I never wanted it back.

BASHIR: I suspected you weren't telling me everything about the withdrawal symptoms.

GARAK: You let me keep my secrets. Another thing I owe you for. (Stops in his original position; the camera has followed him around and we now see their faces. BASHIR's is anxious; GARAK's is impassive) It kept me from feeling things, from making connections. From intensity. (Vehemently) I'm glad it's gone. I want to feel everything now, everything that comes of this and I want it direct and immediate. (BASHIR advances) Even when you hurt me I want to feel it. (BASHIR puts his arms around GARAK's waist from behind and pulls him close)

BASHIR: I'll never hurt you. (GARAK's eyes tear up)

GARAK: Don't promise me that, Doctor. You can't make good on it.

BASHIR: I'll never intentionally hurt you. (GARAK nods. BASHIR puts his chin on GARAK's shoulder and speaks into his ear) And I will always try to heal where I hurt. (GARAK turns to face him. BASHIR smiles) After all, it is my chosen profession. (GARAK takes BASHIR's head in his hands, then kisses him. An initially slow and leisurely embrace becomes more frenetic as BASHIR's enthusiasm reaches its peak and they stumble toward the glass-topped coffeetable in the center, which we notice is the same one that the guests are now sitting around. As BASHIR scrabbles frantically to get GARAK's jacket and shirt off, GARAK laughs, takes him by the shoulders and pushes him gently away so that they can look at each other. BASHIR is still breathing hard and distracted.. GARAK rumples his hair affectionately)

GARAK: Slowly, Doctor. (BASHIR opens his mouth to respond) The first time only happens once. (BASHIR nods. He takes GARAK's hands and they stand thus for a moment, then lean toward each other for the kiss. At this opportune moment, the screen dissolves into the other living room.)

OPHIDIA: Awww, that's sweet.

KIRA: I had to tell him the same thing, Garak. I hope he's gotten better at--

ODO: (gruffly) Can we get on with the game now?

BASHIR: Well, who was telling who to slow down later on in the evening, eh? That's all *I* want to know.

GARAK: That was a whole different context. We were--

OPHIDIA: All right, that's about as far as we need to go, guys.

BASHIR: This really makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it?

OPHIDIA: If I enjoyed contemplating the phallus, I would have taken nude figure drawing when I had the chance. Go on, Captain. (SISKO lifts the bottle)

SISKO: This one's out. Where's the corkscrew? (BASHIR gets up; he is a little wobbly at this point. DAX laughs)

BASHIR: Don't laugh. You're no better off.

DAX: Yes, but at least I carry it with a little more finesse. (Belches)

KIRA: Lovely.

DAX: Thank you. (As OPHIDIA takes the corkscrew from BASHIR and opens the third bottle, DAX points at her) Hey, she hasn't had a drink all night. Benjamin, think up something for her.

OPHIDIA: Oh no thanks, I'm fine.

SISKO: Nonsense. You're missing all the fun. Let's see. I've never...kissed a Caledonian.

OPHIDIA: Oh, *very* ingenious. (She drinks; BASHIR also raises his glass. GARAK gasps)

GARAK: Homewrecker! And not even a month after our wedding. Ophidia, I am shocked. (OPHIDIA stares, then shouts)

OPHIDIA: No! NO! I've told you a million times, that was NOT ME!

BASHIR: Oh, that's right, it wasn't, I forgot. (Puts his glass down)

GARAK: Of course. I'm sorry to have doubted you.

OPHIDIA: You two are deliberately tormenting me, aren't you?

BASHIR: Naturally.

DAX: I've never made it with a shapeshifter. (ODO drinks)

BASHIR: Define "made it."

DAX: It covers a lot of ground...

GARAK: Go ahead and drink, Doctor. (BASHIR drinks; so does GARAK. ODO notices this is and looks away, clearly feeling deep and profound embarrassment. GARAK watches him. KIRA notices he's drinking)

KIRA: Odo! (Looks from him to GARAK) I never would have thought--(as ODO is about to answer, painfully, GARAK jumps in)

GARAK: It wasn't him, Major. (ODO stares. To BASHIR) Did I not tell you she paid me a visit, too?

SISKO: Who are we talking about?

BASHIR: Nobody. (Pointedly) No, you didn't.

GARAK: That's how she knew what I looked like.

BASHIR: I hope she was dressed up as--

GARAK: I thought I was having a dream about you. You don't know how disappointing it was to find out she wasn't anatomically correct.

OPHIDIA: Now I *know* she did not put that--(GARAK nods toward ODO; she clams up. We have a closeup of ODO, which melds into a FLASHBACK to GARAK's shop, destroyed as it was at the end of "The Die is Cast." GARAK is standing by the soot-covered mirror, addressing ODO's reflection as in the final scene)

GARAK: I thought you didn't eat.

ODO: I don't. (He exits. GARAK, after a moment, turns and follows him down the corridor)

GARAK: Odo! Odo, wait. (ODO enters a turbolift and disappears. GARAK watches him go, then walks off in another direction.
 

Outside ODO's quarters, GARAK stands waiting as ODO approaches. He is annoyed, but has to stop and ask)

ODO: How did you get here before I did?

GARAK: I know the station even better than you do.

ODO: Don't flatter yourself.

GARAK: I'm not. (ODO waves him aside to open the door.) Am I? (ODO turns to look at him)

ODO: I don't know what you mean.

GARAK: I think you do. (They stare at each other for a while, then ODO punches the door open)

ODO: Come in. (The screen dissolves back into ODO's closeup. As he continues to commune with this memory, we hear the dialogue from the other members of the party)

O'BRIEN: I've about had it with the wine. Anyone for a Guinness?

BASHIR: Chief, nobody but you can drink that stuff.

O'BRIEN: This is the number one export of my homeland. Someone besides me is drinking it.

KIRA: Well, they must all be on Terra because this stuff does horrible things to Bajorans, I can tell you that.

GARAK: It's not very good for Cardassians, either.

O'BRIEN: This is the emperor of ale, gentlemen. The apogee and summit of the drinking experience.

DAX: Maybe you can get Odo interested. Odo! (ODO does not respond) *Odo!*

ODO: Yes, lieutenant?

DAX: Do you want one of these nasty pints of Guinness stout?

ODO: I don't think so.

O'BRIEN: Fine, fine. (Stands up) I'd better go touch base with engineering, anyway. Carry on.

GARAK: (looking at ODO) I think we could all use a break. (They get up and begin clearing away empty bottles, etc.)