ROUND III

(We are actually several rounds into the game at this point. Everyone is getting pretty silly, except for OPHIDIA and ODO, who are still stone cold sober. Most of the bottles are empty. KIRA is staring at DAX with undisguised astonishment)

KIRA: *Three* of them?

DAX: They were sisters. They'd shared everything since they were small. I couldn't  privilege one over the others.

SISKO: I'm starting to wonder what I've been doing with my time.

O'BRIEN: Don't let it depress you, Captain. There's something to be said for the ordinary and predictable.

BASHIR: Ask Keiko if she feels the same way.

O'BRIEN: Oh, believe me, I *know* Keiko feels the same way.

GARAK: Do I detect a note of wistfulness?

O'BRIEN: Leave my wife out of this.

GARAK: Only too happy to oblige.

OPHIDIA: Keep moving, folks, it's the only way to avoid disaster. Whose turn is it?

SISKO: Yours, I think.

OPHIDIA: All right then. Not only have I never had sex with Dr. Bashir, I've never *wanted* to have sex with Dr. Bashir. (GARAK picks up his empty glass)

GARAK: Empty again. Quelle surprise. (He picks up the nearest bottle and takes a swig from it. Meanwhile KIRA and DAX are drinking as well. DAX notices that O'BRIEN is not partaking)

DAX: Come on, Chief.

KIRA: Yeah, Chief.

O'BRIEN: What?

DAX: You know you want him.

O'BRIEN: I do not!

GARAK: What's all that racketball for then?

O'BRIEN: Now look! I love my wife!

DAX: Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't--

O'BRIEN: Give it a rest already!

SISKO: There's no need to get defensive about it, Chief.

O'BRIEN: I am NOT DEFENSIVE!

GARAK: How could you *not* want him? Look at him! (BASHIR is slumped back in his seat now and looking not especially well) Well, right *now* he's not exactly Adonis, but that's unusual.

BASHIR: Thank you so much.

O'BRIEN: We're *just* *friends.*

KIRA: Methinks the Chief here doth protest too much.

OPHIDIA: (as things threaten to turn ugly) Look, if O'Brien says he hasn't been lusting after the doctor, then we have to believe him. Let's move on.

O'BRIEN: Thank you. Someone has some sense around here.

OPHIDIA: Besides, the correct wording is, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Your turn, captain.

SISKO: Well. In *this* universe...I've never had sex with a Bajoran. (BASHIR, KIRA and DAX drink. BASHIR has reached the point where he drinks with extreme reluctance and a sense of dread)

DAX: That poor nurse.

BASHIR: Well, if it's any comfort to you, I'll be paying for my sins in full when I wake up tomorrow morning. (KIRA has been staring at GARAK, who is watching BASHIR and laughing, in an unfriendly manner)

KIRA: What about you, Garak?

GARAK: What about me?

KIRA: You're not drinking.

GARAK: For once. (Pause while she glares at him)

KIRA: Nonconsensual sex counts, Garak. (GARAK finally understands what she's driving at)

GARAK: I am aware of that, Major, and as hard as you may find this to believe--

KIRA: You worked for the Order during the occupation. You interrogated prisoners. You *must* have--

GARAK: I *never* worked that way! (GARAK is now truly offended and angry; KIRA realizes she has overstepped the line but refuses to back down)

KIRA: It was standard operating procedure.

BASHIR: Leave it alone, Nerys.

GARAK: Those methods are crude, dangerous and very inefficient. I was better at my job than *that.*

KIRA: Well *that's* something to be proud of.

GARAK: I don't have to stand for this in my own home.

SISKO: Major, drop it. (KIRA, who realizes that this was not a good idea, backs down)

KIRA: I'm sorry.

OPHIDIA: OOOOOOO-K! O'Brien, let's see if you can come up with something a little safer.

O'BRIEN: (shrugs) I've never committed adultery.

SISKO: Does it count if you cheat on your alternate-universe double's estranged wife which is the same as your wife while you're pretending to be him? (As the others sort through this philosophical quandary, GARAK, preoccupied with his own thoughts, lifts his glass, unnoticed by anyone else)

DAX: It was still Jennifer, right? I think it counts.

O'BRIEN: No, no no. *You* weren't the one married to her. (BASHIR, who has been looking on and laughing, suddenly notices that GARAK is drinking)

BASHIR: GARAK!! (Everyone else turns to stare at them. Silence falls immediately and the atmosphere becomes extremely tense for everyone except GARAK, who looks at BASHIR obliviously for a moment and then is suddenly alarmed as he realizes the implications)

GARAK: Oh--not against *you,* Doctor!

BASHIR: (still outraged and upset) Well, who else are you married to?

GARAK: Do you have to be married to commit adultery?

BASHIR: YES!

GARAK: I'm sorry. I thought it counted if the *other* person was married. (BASHIR sighs)

BASHIR: Don't *do* that to me. (to OPHIDIA) You, the lit major, explain to him what "adultery" means.

OPHIDIA: The definition of "adultery" is having sex with someone other than your spouse. If you don't have a spouse you can't do that. You can *participate* in adulterous sex but you can't actually *commit* adultery unless you're married.

GARAK: I see. I do apologize, Doctor.

ODO: So whose wife did you run off with, Garak?

GARAK: You remember Mila, Tain's housekeeper? (ODO nods) Well, she was actually his wife. He kept the information secret because he was afraid it would be dangerous for her if anyone knew. (FLASHBACK. A young GARAK and an older but still young ENABRAN, complete with his "once trim figure" in its original glory, are in his home office working with computer consoles and other bits of surveillance equipment. GARAK is trying to punch up some particularly well-hidden files on his console)

GARAK: It would help if I knew what I was looking for, but I know it's no use asking.

TAIN: I always said you were the brightest of the bunch. (GARAK smiles and manipulates some more keys)

GARAK:We're in. (As things start coming through, we see a closeup of GARAK's face, which wears an expression of growing alarm and dismay. Then we see a bunch of entries scrolling very quickly up the screen. GARAK hits a key and the screen goes dark. He bends over the console, trying to catch his breath. TAIN finally notices something and looks over)

TAIN: Are you all right, Elim?

GARAK: (shakily) Fine. (TAIN nods and returns to his work. After a long, tense pause) Enabran...

TAIN: Yes?

GARAK: These files you wanted me to get into...they wouldn't be...the records of the Hierarchs' Convocation, by any chance? (TAIN looks at him) No, no, of course not. You wouldn't be making an unauthorized entry into the most classified records of an elite Central Command clique so secret that only three people who aren't part of it know it exists and we're two of them using my security clearance. No, you wouldn't do that to me.

TAIN: Relax, Elim. I'm sure you took the proper precautions.

GARAK: I thought you liked me.

TAIN: I do.

GARAK: Then why are you trying to kill me?

TAIN: There's no need to make high drama out of this. They're so complacent about the depth of their secrecy that they probably don't even check to see if there have been any unauthorized entries.

GARAK: Oh, believe me there'll be no record of *that*.

TAIN: So what are you worried about? (GARAK continues to regard him with a mixture of terror and fascination)

GARAK: You.

TAIN: Me.

GARAK: This is an execution matter. If anyone ever finds out you asked me to do this you'll be found dead in a shallow pond before Central Command can even confiscate your property. I'm the only one who knows. (Pause) I'm a dead man, one way or another.

TAIN: Oh, Elim. Don't be silly. I'm not going to kill you. (Spreads his arms out in a fatherly gesture and walks forward with a big cheeful smile. GARAK backs away from him slowly)

GARAK: Not right now. But you'll have to, eventually.

TAIN: No I won't. (Stops moving forward; GARAK stops too) I could have done this myself, Elim. I didn't really need to use your clearance. Do you know why I asked you to help me? (GARAK shakes his head) You're right that this gives you power over my life, power I can't allow you to wield. But there's another way to solve that problem. (He advances to GARAK, who remains frozen, and puts a hand around the back of his neck. GARAK trembles. TAIN clasps both hands at the nape of GARAK's neck and brings his head forward so that their forheads touch.)

GARAK: Enabran...what are you doing?

TAIN: Binding you to me. Forever. (GARAK lifts his head, panicking. TAIN keeps his hold on GARAK's neck.) Shhhh, don't be frightened. It's what we both want.

GARAK: I...(TAIN kisses him. The screen dissolves. GARAK is staring into his glass moodily. BASHIR pats him on the knee)

GARAK: Well, now you know, Odo. Why I had to go back.

ODO: Evidently he didn't consider himself bound by the terms of the arrangement.

GARAK: Things became very complicated.

ODO: He would have killed you. Eventually.

GARAK: Perhaps. (This has cast somewhat of a pall over the evening. BASHIR attempts to lighten the mood)

BASHIR: My turn, isn't it? (Although speaking brightly, he puts a comforting arm around GARAK, who leans his head on BASHIR's shoulder and closes his eyes) I've never had sex with...Garak, can you think of anything I haven't had sex with?

GARAK: (groggily, with his eyes still closed) Don't think you've had sex with a Betazoid.

BASHIR: (after checking the files) You're right. I've never had sex with a Betazoid. (Everyone looks at ODO. He grumbles and drinks.)

KIRA: Well, I'm glad you had *some* way to pass the time besides listening to that woman ramble.

ODO: This is not a subject open for discussion. Next question, please. (BASHIR nudges GARAK)

BASHIR: Your turn.

GARAK: You mean we're still playing this horrible game? (Sits up and makes an effort to be alert) All right. (Glares over in KIRA's direction) Here's something I can say with absolute confidence: I have *never* wanted to have sex with Major Kira.

KIRA: It's more than mutual. (DAX drinks. BASHIR drinks. SISKO considers, shrugs, drinks. DAX points at him and laughs. As the general hilarity level rises again, ODO stares at his glass, his spirit locked in a titanic struggle between his commitment to honesty and justice and his overwhelming desire not to ever let Kira know how he feels about her. Finally, with a suppressed cry of vexation and despair, he loses the battle and downs the glass. KIRA is staring at him in shock.)

KIRA: Odo! (Deathly pause. KIRA is genuinely astonished and also very concerned) I...I had no idea.

DAX: You didn't? (The others cannot help laughing, even though they know that ODO is in agony.) Well, I mean come on, it's obvious, isn't it?

KIRA: Not to me it wasn't. (ODO lets out a long and expressive howl of pain and anguish.) Oh, Constable, I'm so sorry. Please--(ODO gets up)

ODO: Leave me alone. (Makes his way to the door) The others were right. I should have known better than to--(morphs into a little puddle and starts oozing toward the locked door)

O'BRIEN: No, Odo, don't do that, the power fluctuations have activated the forcefields! (ODO returns to humanoid form, but since he is upset he has not reproduced his usual shape very accurately and seems drippier than usual. KIRA is heartbroken to see this)

KIRA: Oh, Odo, please don't cry. (ODO lets out another howl and melts further. KIRA is also crying. OPHIDIA slams the cork into the bottle, stands up, and upends the table, causing the glasses to slide onto the carpet and SISKO, O'BRIEN and DAX to scramble out of the way)

OPHIDIA: All right, folks, let's break out the Pictionary set, because *this* game is over. We have achieved terminal embarrassment.

O'BRIEN: It'll still be another two hours before they can get the doors working again. (ODO and KIRA both groan. ODO morphs into a mouse and scuttles into the kitchen.)

KIRA: Odo! Odo, come back here. (She runs into the kitchen. O'BRIEN opens one of his Guinnesses and props himself up against the wall leading into the dining area. DAX  stretches out in the debris by the table and passes out. SISKO throws his jacket over her.)

SISKO: (Looks at BASHIR, who is now sitting on the edge of his seat with his head in his hands and having his back stroked by a concerned GARAK) This has been some party.

OPHIDIA: I warned you.

BASHIR: Yes, you did. (Looks at GARAK) Garak, may I see you in the bedroom for a moment?

GARAK: (frankly amazed) Once again I stand amazed and humbled before your superior stamina, Doctor. (BASHIR laughs sarcastically, grabs GARAK by the lapels and drags him into the bedroom, shutting the door behind them.)

SISKO: Well, at least someone got through this unscathed. (OPHIDIA, watching them go, shakes her head. DAX, realizing things have gone ugly, tries in her own drunken way to restore harmony)

DAX: Come on, everyone. It's all right. We're all friends, aren't we? (O'BRIEN is preoccupied with a bottle of Guinness; SISKO looks at her in exasperation; OPHIDIA just laughs) Let's have a song. Come on, Phidder, play something.

OPHIDIA: You've got to be kidding.

DAX: Music hath charms to soothe the savage whatsitsname. Come on, Phidder.

OPHIDIA: I don't have--

DAX: You do too, I saw you bring it in. (DAX pulls OPHIDIA's acoustic guitar from under the wreckage and waves it at her truculently) Come on. Iss a party, we should have music. (OPHIDIA, realizing that Dax will otherwise never shut up, picks up the guitar and tunes it)

OPHIDIA: All right then, Dax, but you better shut up and sing along. (She starts the intro.)

DAX: Course I will.

OPHIDIA: I sit two stories above the street,
      It's awful quiet here since love fell asleep
     There's light down below me, though...

(The music continues in the background throughout the following scenes. We now go inside the bedroom, BASHIR stands by the closed door while GARAK sits on the edge of the bed.)

GARAK: You're right. It was a mistake to have everyone bring wine.

BASHIR: It's true enough I'm not a good liar, Garak, and I'm not improving as fast as I might, but I have gotten *very* good at something else, and that's being able to tell when *you're* lying.

GARAK: Congratulations. (Stretches out on the bed and closes his eyes) I'm lying right now, for instance. Can you tell?

BASHIR: Sit up and look at me. This is important. (GARAK does so, although slowly and exasperatedly)

GARAK: I assure you, I have been most unwontedly truthful this evening. Oh, I may have made up one or two small things, just to make it more interesting--

BASHIR: Stop it. (GARAK does) I know you know what adultery means.

GARAK: I explained to you, Doctor--

BASHIR: And I *also* know that you've never cheated on me. (GARAK opens his mouth) Never mind how. I know. So what I want to know is who else you were married to.
 

(Back in the living room, OPHIDIA is doing the chorus)

OPHIDIA: ...and I bought you that ring
 Cause I never was cool
 What makes me think I could start clean-slated
 The hardest to learn was the least complicated.
 

(During this verse we now move to the kitchen, where KIRA is looking for the mouse that is ODO in the cupboards, cabinets, etc.)

KIRA: Odo, I know you're in here. (Sees the leftover hasparat on a counter, reaches for one, then thinks better of it.) Odo, talk to me. (there is a squeak from near the sink.) I didn't know you felt that way about me. (Silence) You should have said something earlier. I wouldn't have spent all that time telling you about Bareil.  (A mouse emerges from the baseboard and looks up at her. She squats down to talk to it) Odo, you're my best friend in the entire universe. I'd cut my own head off before I did anything on purpose to hurt you. I can't stand the thought that you're suffering because of me. (ODO appears behind her) Please, speak to me.

ODO: I'm over here, Major. (KIRA turns around and laughs)

KIRA: We should tell Dr. Bashir he's in violation of the SSSR health code. (ODO smiles sadly) Oh, Odo. I wish...I wish I could tell you what you want to hear.

ODO: I know, Major. I...(tentatively) I think actually I feel better...now that you know. I was always afraid, before, that I would do something that would give it away. It terrified me to think that you might find out. And now you have...(making a herculean effort to look on the positive side) It's not so bad.

KIRA: Yes, it is so bad, Odo.

ODO: Yes, but at the same time...it is a relief, even though it's also...(shakes his head and turns away)

KIRA: I'll always be your friend, Odo. Whatever happens. (ODO nods. We go back to the living room)
 

OPHIDIA: So I'll just sit up on the house and resist,
 And not be seen until I cease to exist,
 A kind of conscientious objection...

(Back to the bedroom, where GARAK and BASHIR are both standing up, pacing furiously, and having a knock-down drag-out.)

GARAK: Whatever happened to "if you don't want me to know, I don't want to hear about it"?

BASHIR: Your work and your past with the Order is your own business. Your personal life is mine!

GARAK: On Cardassia we don't make that clear a distinction!

BASHIR: Well, fortunately we're not there! (GARAK turns away. BASHIR attempts to collect himself and calm down) I'm sorry, Elim.

GARAK: There are some things you have to accept about me, Doctor. I will not tell you everything.

BASHIR: I am not *asking* you to tell me everything. I'm asking you to tell me about your wife!

GARAK: I am not going to discuss--

BASHIR: Yes you are! Look, I know there are things you don't want to tell me, and that's one of the things I liked about you from the beginning. Keep as many secrets as you want.

GARAK: Doctor--

BASHIR: But you *do* want me to know or you wouldn't have admitted to doing it at all. So *tell me*! (GARAK looks at BASHIR, who is now crying, and finally sits down on the bed)

GARAK: Cardassian males are expected to be mated by the age of eighteen. Most marriages are arranged...(Looks up at him) I thought I was lucky, because I knew her, and she was even a friend of mine. (BASHIR sits down next to him.)
 

OPHIDIA: ...and I bought you that ring,
 It seemed the thing to do. 
 Everybody!

OPHIDIA, DAX, SISKO O'BRIEN: 
 What makes me think I could start clean slated

OPHIDIA: Ouch! I know y'all are drunk, but someone's WAY off...(They ignore her)

DAX, SISKO, O'BRIEN: The hardest to learn was the least complicated...
 

(Back in the kitchen, KIRA is giving ODO a hug. She pats him on the back and they separate, him withrdawing awkwardly into his personal space. She picks up a leftover hasparat.)

KIRA: You should try this stuff. Really.

ODO: I haven't managed to duplicate functional tastebuds. It's all texture for me.

KIRA: (Munching it) Still, that's something. (Bites into it) Oh, Prophets. Now it's been sitting out it's even stronger. (Runs over to the replicator) Water, cold, a lot of it, now.

ODO: I don't think the replicators are working, Major.

KIRA: AAAAAGH! Don't tell me that. (Runs out to the living room and snatches up one of the bottles. She downs it)
 

(Back to the living room)
 

(From the living room we hear OPHIDIA:)

OPHIDIA: I'm just a mirror of a mirror of myself,
 All the things that I do
 And the next time I fall
 I'm gonna have to recall,
 It isn't love, it's only something new...
 

(Back in the bedroom, GARAK is done with his story. BASHIR has an arm around him and a hand on his knee.)

GARAK: Anyway, by the time the tribunal dissolved our marriage, preparatory to exiling me and declaring me dead, we'd been estranged for years. A good friendship ruined.

BASHIR: Why didn't you tell me about her before?

GARAK: I...(looks up at him) I was not a good husband to her. I was not faithful.

BASHIR: Enabran.

GARAK: And others. I made both of us miserable. I couldn't...(shakes his head) I was afraid of your knowing.

BASHIR: Why?

GARAK: I don't know, I...(Looks at him) I don't want to be that way to you.

BASHIR: You aren't. You won't. (Takes his hands) This is different. I'm different. Everything about us--where we are, who you are--it's all different. There's no reason it should have anything to do with how we are together.

GARAK: I never want to hurt you, Doctor.

BASHIR: Maybe you never will. (As they embrace, we move back to the living room)
 

OPHIDIA: I remember the time that I came so close with you
 Let everything go, it was the only truth
 And I bought you that ring cause I never was cool--
 All the symbionts!

(DAX is passed out; OPHIDIA plays along through the line

OPHIDIA: Now all the Irish guys!

(O'BRIEN is slumped against the wall looking green; OPHIDIA keeps going)

OPHIDIA: All the space station commanders!

(SISKO has already gotten up and is on his way to the bathroom)

OPHIDIA: Na na, na na nana na--everybody! (Nobody joins in. OPHIDIA, breathing a sigh of relief, quietly ends the song. O'BRIEN's badge beeps)

JENAK: Engineering to O'Brien.

O'BRIEN: (Groggily) Go ahead. (Suddenly the lights come back on.)

JENAK: Sir, we have the power back up ahead of schedule.

O'BRIEN: Bloody fantastic. Fine work. O'Brien out. (Gets up) Ladies, gentlemen, it's been a lovely evening, but I have a lot of sleeping off to do. (Looks around) Where are the hosts?

OPHIDIA: Where do you think? (O'BRIEN knocks on the bedroom door)

O'BRIEN: Julian! Garak! (there are muffled noises)

BASHIR: (whispered) Miles, go away!

O'BRIEN: Thanks for inviting me, it was a wonderful evening.

GARAK: Thank you, Chief, we're glad you could come. (O'BRIEN lurches out to the living room. Muttered) I wish I could.

BASHIR: It's all right, Pookums, alcohol does the same thing to humans.

GARAK: What a pity.  (O'BRIEN steps over DAX on his way to the door. SISKO, returning from the can, hefts DAX and calls to BASHIR and GARAK) 

SISKO: I'm taking Dax home, Doctor. Thanks for a wonderful evening. (He waves to OPHIDIA and they exit. KIRA, who is still recovering from the hasparat with the tulaberry chaser, gets painfully up and, leaning on ODO's arm, moves toward the door)

KIRA: You'll give my regards to the hosts, won't you? (OPHIDIA nods) 'Night. Let's get out of here, Odo.

ODO: Excellent suggestion. (They exit. OPHIDIA goes over to the bedroom door)

OPHIDIA: You all right in there?

GARAK: YES!

OPHIDIA: Good night then. Take care of yourselves. (She walks out to the door of the quarters and turns back to take a final look at the carnage in the living room) Computer, lights off. (Blackout.)

THE END