ACT II

(B&G's quarters. GARAK is reading the PADD and is deeply absorbed. BASHIR enters)

BASHIR: Ah, learning your part.

GARAK: Yes, I've just had time to go through it and frankly, Doctor, I'm appalled.

BASHIR: I realize your character is particularly perverse, but --

GARAK: I cannot *believe* you've been wasting my time with Shakespeare when there's this to be had.

BASHIR: Well, Garak, I know you find this hard to believe, but most critics do agree that Shakespeare was one of the greatest --

GARAK: Yes, yes, you've been prating to me about the beauties of "Hamlet" for as long as I've known you, Doctor, but if you ask me this Frankenfurter character leaves him in the dust.

BASHIR: You never gave *Hamlet* a fair chance. I think if you --

GARAK: What's Hamlet? An aging graduate student who can't pull himself together long enough to perform a simple assassination. He wouldn't hold my interest for one act, let alone five. Now here, you have something *much* more complex. An emissary to an alien planet, charged with an important mission, seduced by his private and forbidden desires into betraying his homeworld but still torn between lingering fidelity to his repressive culture and the enticements of alien decadence. And into that turmoil we throw his self-destructive infatuation with a monster of his own creation -- who betrays him both as a lover and as a child. *This* is inner torment, *this* is existential angst, *this* is identity in crisis confronting the abyss. To the fifth hell with Hamlet, Doctor -- *this* is your tragic hero.

BASHIR: Garak ... I may be wrong ... but I *think* this play is a comedy.

GARAK: Kromot goederat, doctor. (BASHIR waits for the translation) Truly great comedy dances on the brink of tragedy.

BASHIR: Those two words mean all that.

GARAK: Cardassian is an expressive and yet an economical language.

BASHIR: And you know how I love your mother tongue. (They kiss) I'm glad you're excited. You'll be breathtaking.

GARAK: I'm sorry your character is less ... well-developed.

BASHIR: I'm not. I'm an absolute ass when it comes to acting. I was in my preparatory school production of *Romeo and Juliet* and I can still remember the deafening cheer that arose from the audience when I said "Thus with a kiss, I die." They cast me for looks, you know, but ... (shakes his head) The finer points are beyond me, but I think I can handle grunting and looking stupid.

GARAK: (laughing) I wonder. Let's see you try.

BASHIR: Urrrgh! (GARAK laughs and grabs him; they roll off the couch onto the floor. Looking up at him)

GARAK: I think we can do better than *that,* Doctor. Try it again.

BASHIR: URRRRRRRRRRGH!!! (They both burst out laughing and go to it.)
 

(Cut to QUARK's, where OPHIDIA is organizing the first run-through. It's not a dress rehearsal, so most of the cast is still in uniform. Everyone's there but DEANNA, BASHIR and GARAK. OPHIDIA walks over to SISKO and O'BRIEN, who are running lines)

OPHIDIA: I can't remember -- did we decide it wasn't worth trying for the German accent?

SISKO: I dunno -- vat do you zink, O'Prien?

O'BRIEN: Do I have permission to speak freely, sir?

SISKO: I think that's your answer.

OPHIDIA: All right, then, do it straight.

O'BRIEN: Speaking of which ... Ophidia, can I speak to you for a minute? (OPHIDIA takes him aside) When I agreed to do this ... I forgot my character was going to have sex with Frankie.

OPHIDIA: Chief, *everyone* has sex with Frankie.

DAX: (calling over) Do *I* have sex with Frankie?

OPHIDIA: No, you just get eaten by him.

DAX: That's all right then.

OPHIDIA: Chief, I'm directing. How explicit can this get? You won't have to actually --

O'BRIEN: Yes, but ... I'll still have to ... kiss him.

OPHIDIA: And?

O'BRIEN: And I'm not sure I can --

OPHIDIA: Look, Chief, are you heterosexual or not? Because if you are, what are you afraid of? One touch of his magic lips and you'll never go back to women again?

O'BRIEN: No, but --

OPHIDIA: And if you're not, what are you complaining about?

O'BRIEN: It's not that, it's just ... well ... he's Cardassian.

OPHIDIA: Oh, *I* see! It's not homophobia, it's just racism. That makes it MUCH better.

O'BRIEN: I have a thing about snakes --

OPHIDIA: Look, Chief -- when you act, you pretend to do things you would not do in real life, and playing tonsil hockey with Garak is one of them. Deal with it. (O'BRIEN looks doubtful) Listen, I walked into a Cardassian
interrogation center for you, you can bloody well kiss a reptile for me.

O'BRIEN: I'll do my best.

OPHIDIA: Just close your eyes and pretend it's Julian. (O'BRIEN glares) Did I say Julian? I meant Keiko. (She walks away shaking her head; DEANNA comes in with LWAXANA buzzing around her)

DEANNA: Mother, will you *please* leave --

LWAXANA: Dear, without coaching you're as wooden as poor Mr. Homm. It's my duty to your colleagues to make sure you get some direction.

DEANNA: We *have* a director.

LWAXANA: Oh, I'm sure Ms. Meridian will be all right with the others, but you need all the guidance you can get. (DEANNA sighs. BASHIR enters; OPHIDIA rallies the troops)

OPHIDIA: All right, folks, I know most of you don't have much time so we should get started. Looks like everyone's -- wait, Doctor, where's Garak?

BASHIR: He's coming -- it's taking him a little while to get into costume.

OPHIDIA: Did you not tell him this isn't a dress rehearsal?

BASHIR: He says he can't do it without the outfit.

OPHIDIA: All right then, we'll just have to start with the scenes without Frankie in them. (DAX laughs) Yeah, all three of them. We may as well begin at the beginning -- Keiko, Miles, can you take your positions for the
wedding sequence? Odo, Counselor, you're in this too. (They take their positions) We'll put the actual wedding scene on at the end -- for now, let's take it from the underscoring cue -- Janet, I've got something to say.

O'BRIEN: Hey, Janet?

KEIKO: Yes, Brad? (We cut to LWAXANA, disgruntled in the audience)

LWAXANA: Why does she look so dour? (To DEANNA) Smile, dear! (DEANNA grimaces)

O'BRIEN: ... the skillful way ...

LWAXANA: Nobody likes a sourpuss, Deanna -- you've got excellent teeth, don't be afraid to show them.

O'BRIEN:  ... to the bride's bouquet. (They go into the song) The river was deep, but I swam it --

ODO and DEANNA: Janet.

O'BRIEN: The future is ours, so let's plan it --

ODO and DEANNA: Janet.

LWAXANA: Put more expression into it, sweetie! You sound like Mr. Data!

DEANNA: (while the others continue) It's a desired effect, Mother.

LWAXANA: I can't imagine anyone would desire *that*. Come on, show a little pizzazz.

OPHIDIA: NO! NO pizzazz! You're doing it right, Deanna.

O'BRIEN: Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker ... (OPHIDIA grits her teeth as his voice breaks on the high notes)

LWAXANA: What do *you* know about it, you poofy-haired --

OPHIDIA: Madam Ambassador --

KEIKO: This is nicer than Betty Monroe had!

ODO and DEANNA: Oh Brad.

LWAXANA: Are you listening to me, sweetheart?

DEANNA: How could I *help* but listen to you, mother, you're screaming -- (As the cast soldiers on, we cut to BASHIR, who is on the balcony looking down and laughing)

LWAXANA: See, that nice Mrs. O'Brien is smiling --

O'BRIEN: And that's go see the man who began it -- (GARAK enters behind BASHIR. He is wearing a bathrobe over his costume and appears a little nervous.)

GARAK: (apprehensively) I didn't know Ophidia had cast the Ambassador.

BASHIR: I don't think she has.

OPHIDIA: Madam Ambassador, will you PLEASE leave the stage --

LWAXANA: I'm just trying to show her how -- (BASHIR laughs and turns to GARAK)

BASHIR: Are you ready?

GARAK: Julian ... please, give me your honest opinion.

BASHIR: Don't I always? (The camera moves around behind GARAK. He opens the bathrobe with trepidation; we can't see what he's wearing, but BASHIR can, and he is clearly impressed.)

GARAK: So. Do I look all right? (Pause while BASHIR looks him up and down) You can tell me. Really.

BASHIR: Come a little closer and I'll show you. (GARAK steps forward; BASHIR seizes him; we are to assume he demonstrates his appreciation nonverbally as we pan back to the rehearsal space, where OPHIDIA is about
ready to strangle LWAXANA, who has brough the opening number to a screeching halt)

OPHIDIA: Madam Ambassador, your daughter is going to be dressed like the woman from *American Gothic.* 

LWAXANA: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

OPHIDIA: "Pizzazz" is not something this particular role calls for.

LWAXANA: You're as fuddy-duddy as she is.

KEIKO: I can't work with this.

DEANNA: I think you'd better try some of the scenes that don't involve me.

OPHIDIA: Excellent plan. Captain, why don't we try your big number --

DAX: Wait a minute ... big number?

OHPIDIA: Frankie's supposed to be in it, but I'll cover his part --

DAX: (running up to OPHIDIA) You mean *musical* number?

OPHIDIA: (Ignoring her) Chief, Keiko, Major ... (They take their places as the others retire) Of course, Captain, you're going to be doing this in a wheelchair during the real show, but for now --

SISKO: But if I'm sitting down, won't it be hard to project? I won't be able to really sing from my diaphragm.

OPHIDIA: Yes, it will be, but as an actor sometimes you have to work with restrictions. We'll work on the diaphragm problem when you get the chair. But look -- for now -- let's just try to get through the song. (The band
starts. DAX whispers to OPHIDIA)

DAX: Phidder --

OPHIDIA: Shhhh. (DAX folds her arms and watches.)

SISKO: From the day he was born ... (SISKO is very enthusiastic, and is following the beat, but the notes he's singing bear no relationship to the accompaniment. He is beyond flat, beyond sharp -- he's wrong. By several
pitches. All the time. OPHIDIA tries to help by singing along, but it doesn't seem to work, perhaps because SISKO is not only off key but incredibly loud as well.)

OPHIDIA: (to herself) My God he's bad.

SISKO: He left home the day she died ...

DAX: Brace yourself, it's about to get worse.

SISKO, O'BRIEN and KEIKO: When little Eddie said he didn't love his teddy... (The other two are on key, which only makes the dissonance worse. KEIKO is extremely irritated; O'BRIEN is trying to be more diplomatic.
OPHIDIA is merely wincing. Finally the song winds down)

KEIKO: What a guy ...

OPHIDIA: (covering Frankie's line, and with feeling) Makes you cry ...

SISKO: (dramatically) And I did. (The song ends. There is a moment of awkward silence)

OPHIDIA: Captain ... (SISKO looks up, clearly expecting accolades) I'd say you'll have no trouble projecting from the wheelchair ...

SISKO: You think so?

OPHIDIA: Yes. However ...

SISKO: (quickly on the defensive) What?

OPHIDIA: We sort of ... lost the melody a bit. (DAX tugs at OPHIDIA's sleeve)

SISKO: Well, *I* was on key -- maybe it was the Chief. (OPHIDIA stares speechless, stunned by this demonstration of the limitless human capacity for self-delusion)

DAX: Phidder --

OPHIDIA: (hissing to DAX) What is it?

DAX: Benjamin's tone deaf. He always has been.

OPHIDIA: (murderously) And you couldn't have told me this when I mentioned casting him?

DAX: I forgot he would have to sing.

SISKO: Or maybe Keiko --

KEIIKO: I know *I* was in tune. (O'BRIEN tries to hush her) I won't hush!  He's --

OPHIDIA: Never mind, never mind, we'll work on it. Meantime, why don't we try "Touch Me." Keiko, are you ready?

KEIKO: (eagerly) Oh yes.

OPHIDIA: Rocky? Where's my Rocky? Doctor?

BASHIR: (from out of shot) I'm just helping Garak with his costume.

OPHIDIA: Oh good, he's here. Well, Keiko, it's really your song, let's try it once without him. Major, Deanna -- (OPHIDIA looks back and sees DEANNA arguing with her mother)

LWAXANA: So you're playing an alien, that's no reason not to try to project some charisma.

DEANNA: That's not the point, mother.

OPHIDIA: On second thought let's add the Magenta/Columbia stuff later -- why don't you just get started. (KEIKO begins)

KEIKO:  ... I thought there's no use getting ... into heavy petting ... it only leads to trouble ... and seat-wetting ... (KEIKO does indeed have a lovely soprano voice, as well as excellent breath support and enunciation.)
Now all I want to know ... is how to go-o ... I've tasted love and I want more ... (OPHIDIA is wondering why KEIKO hasn't made the stylistic transition into sleaze yet) I'll put up no resistance ... I want to go the
distance ... I've got an itch to scratch ... (OPHIDIA is now staring in disbelief and despair, because KEIKO is continuing to perform the song in the manner of a Bach cantata. As KEIKO moves into the chorus, still singing
sweetly in a style and tone that would be perfectly appropriate for *The Messiah,* every now and then including trills and other baroque ornaments, we pan to GARAK and BASHIR, busy together on the balcony)

KEIKO: Touch me, I want to feel dirty ...

BASHIR: (along with KEIKO, mimicking her delivery) Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me ... (GARAK laughs. We cut back to the performance area)

KEIKO: (in a lovely coloratura run) Creature o-of the night! (She continues in the same vein. O'BRIEN watches enraptured from the audience next to DAX, who is somewhat more dubious. During the end of the song we close in on OPHIDIA's stricken expression as she watches KEIKO finish the tune with a beautiful soaring cadenza. There is a short silence while KEIKO smiles proudly, O'BRIEN beams at her, and OPHIDIA tries to pull herself together)

OPHIDIA: Keiko ... that was lovely. (KEIKO smiles) Indeed, it was almost ... too lovely. (The smile becomes fixed)

KEIKO: What do you mean?

OPHIDIA: You see, Keiko ... this is supposed to be the song in which Janet celebrates her sexual awakening, and your operatic delivery -- wonderful though it is -- just doesn't bring that through, somehow.

KEIKO: (now in a bad temper) I thought my delivery was *very* sensual.

OPHIDIA: Yes, yes it was, you're absolutely right, but I think this might call for a more ... physicalized ...

KEIKO: (to O'BRIEN) I don't understand ... this is how I performed it in concert, and everyone always said --

OPHIDIA: Basically, I'm wondering if we can't make this a little ... raunchier.

KEIKO: (Now very angry and obnoxious) Raunchier! Look, I'm a classically trained musician, not some kind of -- gyrating sex toy --

OPHIDIA: (hastening to backpedal) Of course not! Nor do I want you to be. (Puzzles over how to approach this; gets an idea) I mean something different from what you're probably thinking. You see, I have a new approach to the character, one that I think you'll agree strengthens her somewhat, and I wonder if I might just talk to you about it briefly. (Hops up onto the stage and takes her aside) As I'm sure you've noticed, there are some very antifeminist things about the way your character is drawn --

KEIKO: No, I --

OPHIDIA: And they come through especially in this song. I mean she's basically been raped by Frankie and suddenly now a garden of sexual delights opens before her? Disturbing message, if you ask me.

DAX: But doesn't that happen to Brad -- (OPHIDIA glares at her; she shuts up)

OPHIDIA: So what I want to do is to change Janet's character so that instead of being a victim, she's in charge. I want to make her a full-bore bitch queen.

KEIKO: Excuse me?

OPHIDIA: The idea is that she's been a voracious manipulative virago all along, she was just waiting until after she snagged Brad to let him see what kind of life he would really be leading. This is a woman who knows what she wants, wants it RIGHT NOW, and isn't shy about going after it. So that way when she says, "I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance,"she's not saying, "Violate me please, I like it," she's saying, "You will service me *now,* and you will do it well or you'll wish Frankie had never animated you."

KEIKO: I think that's wonderful. To make her some kind of a dominatrix.

OPHIDIA: Exactly. During this number I want you hauling Rocky around by the chains, scaring the crap out of him, making him do your bidding. Now, in order to do that, you're going to have to put some bitchiness into your
singing style, do you see?

KEIKO: Oh yes, I quite understand it would have to be different.

OPHIDIA: So, I know that for someone as naturally sweet-dispositioned as you this will be difficult, but I really want to see if we can get down to the bitch within and bring her out in your vocal style. You think we can
work on this? (KEIKO nods) Great. Let's do Time Warp, folks. Everyone on stage. (They take their places and start the song)

ODO: It's astounding ... time is fleeting ... (His voice is good, but his delivery is painfully straight) The madness ... takes its toll. 

OPHIDIA: How can a shape-shifter be that *stiff?* (Aside from his almost Vulcan-like precision, everything goes well enough)

DEANNA: It's so dreamy ... O fantasy, free me! (Her "I-feel-great-pain"esque delivery seems to actually work for this number, and OPHIDIA is beginning to relax when)

LWAXANA: Sing out, Deanna!

OPHIDIA: Calgon, take me away ...

DEANNA: (valiantly trying to ignore her)  ... with voyeuristic intention... well-secluded...

LWAXANA: And don't throw your head back like -- here, I'll show you. (As she approaches the stage, OPHIDIA hails MORN, who has been watching from the bar)

OPHIDIA: Morn! (MORN grunts inquisitively) How would you like to make your start in show business? (MORN grunts assent) Will you remove the ambassador from the stage, please? (MORN advances, picks up LWAXANA, and exits with her) Thank you! (DEANNA is doubled over laughing and unable to continue)

ODO: Don't damage her, Morn -- (Meanwhile, QUARK is having trouble with his lines)

QUARK: It's just a jump to the ... right?

OPHIDIA: LEFT!! (He loses his place and flubs his next entrance)

QUARK: Put your hand -- (The company is already on)

COMPANY:  -- your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust -- (focus on OPHIDIA, now shouting frantically at the stage)

OPHIDIA: PELVIC! Pelvis, Odo, *this* is your pelvis! (Puts her hands on her own)

QUARK: I don't understand. Why should doing this drive people insane?

ODO: And my knowledge of temporal physics may be sub-par by Starfleet standards, but I still don't see how this combination of movements is supposed to enable time travel. (The number has now fallen apart in a chaotic mess)

O'BRIEN: It isn't supposed to be taken literally. The movements are symbolic of --

KEIKO: No, Miles, it's absurdism, didn't they go over that in your secondary school? The nonsenicality of the lyrics is a commentary on -- 

KIRA: If you ask me, it's just silly.

DEANNA: There's nothing wrong with being silly. It can be very therapeutic.

ODO: Well, this is certainly the silliest thing *I've* ever done --

OPHIDIA: FOLKS!!!! (They stop. OPHIDIA takes a deep breath) We have approximately two weeks before our opening night. We do not have time to argue over whether this represents late twentieth-century absurdist realism or a throwback to the symbolist drama of the early 1900s.

KEIKO: But don't you think it's important for us to understand what we're saying?

OPHIDIA: Of course, but right now I think textual interpretation needs to take a back seat to memorizing your lines and learning your blocking.

KEIKO: *I* know *my* lines.

OPHIDIA: I never said you didn't --

QUARK: How can you memorize something that doesn't make sense?

OPHIDIA: You learned 237 rules of acquisition, you can remember which direction --

QUARK: The Rules of Acquisition MAKE SENSE!! (As fighting erupts on stage, OPHIDIA casts her eyes heavenward and spots GARAK, who is still invisible to the viewers. She is suddenly galvanized)

OPHIDIA: THAT'S ENOUGH! QUIET!!! (They fall silent. To the band) Start the underscoring for Frankie's entrance. (They start.) All right, everyone fan out, and Chief, you and Keiko are backing up to the staircase he's coming down. (She waves for GARAK to start down the steps) OK, Keiko, can we have your line?

KEIKO: (backing up to the staircase) This isn't the junior chamber of commerce, Brad!

O'BRIEN: They're probably just foreigners whose ways are different from our own. They may do some more ... folk dancing.

KEIKO: (That inner bitchiness showing already) Look, I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm just plain scared! (GARAK is now visible descending the staircase in full drag -- black leather corset, fishnets, garter belt, stiletto heels, feather boa, the works -- and he carries it like the queen we always knew he could be. His bearing is regal, commanding and dignified and yet at the same time self-consciously lascivious and deliberately mannered)

O'BRIEN: I'm here! There's nothing to worry about. (KEIKO turns, spots GARAK, and screams with genuine surprise and fear. She and O'BRIEN scuttle away as GARAK struts forward)

GARAK: How do you do I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman ...

(During this he advances on ODO and drapes an arm languidly over his shoulder, toying with his hair and enjoying his discomfort)

He's a little brought down because
When you knocked
He thought you were the 

(smiles and gives ODO's derriere a squeeze that ODO plainly does not appreciate) 

candyman. 

(Now putting an aggressive edge on the queeniness and strutting vampily toward a retreating O'BRIEN)

Don't get strung out
By the way I look --
Don't judge a book by its cover. 

(Gets the boa around the reluctant O'BRIEN's waist and leads him forward with it)

I'm not much of a man by the
light of day --

(pulls the ends of the boa suddenly toward him, bringing O'BRIEN nose to nose with him and delivering the next line up close and personal)

But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

(pushes O'BRIEN away; now playing directly to the audience)

I'm just a sweet transvestite ... 

(He catwalks upstage, looking coquettishly over his shoulder)

From Transsexual ... (turns around and advances hungrily on the audience)

Transylvania -- ah hahhhhh ... 

(Strikes a pose with his arms outstretched and the boa draped along them, head tilted back, eyelids lowered, and one hip cocked. We now look at BASHIR, who is next to OPHIDIA and watching in amazement and awe.)

OPHIDIA: That's it, Garak, now play to Janet! (GARAK advances on her with a wicked smile; she draws back; as he goes through the next verse we go back to OPHIDIA, DAX and BASHIR)

BASHIR: Isn't he gorgeous?

DAX: He's completely grotesque.

OPHIDIA: Yes. And he's *fabulous.* (We move back to the stage. GARAK is giving KEIKO and O'BRIEN a catty once-over)

GARAK: You look like you're both pretty ... (dripping with sarcasm) groovy.
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal
We could take in an old Steeve Reeves movie. 

(O'BRIEN walks forward, extending his right hand; GARAK looks at him with the smile of a hostess dealing with a particularly tiresome guest)

O'BRIEN: I'm glad we caught you at home ...
Can we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry ...

OPHIDIA: Odo, Major, Deanna, don't just stand there, interact! (KIRA and DEANNA slink toward GARAK)

GARAK: So you got caught with a flat! (The polite smile becomes sinister)
Well, how 'bout that! 

(Invades KEIKO's personal space) 

Well, babies, don't you (loads the word with menace) panic. 

(Puts a hand under KEIKO's chin and brings it forward)

By the light of the night
It'll all be all right --
I'll get you a satanic mechanic. 

(Drops his hand and struts laughing to center stage, flinging the boa dramatically around his neck)

I'm just a sweet transvestite ...

(Back to OPHIDIA, who is energized and shouting directions, and BASHIR, who is almost literally drooling)

OPHIDIA: Garak, you've got the legs, work 'em! Keiko, this man scares the shit out of you, let's see that! Not you, Chief, you're still in oblivious-dork mode -- (Back to the stage. GARAK is standing with DEANNA
crouched to one side entwining herself around his leg and on the other his arm around KIRA, who looks angry and dangerous)

GARAK: (ferally) Why don't you stay for the night?

DEANNA: Night!

GARAK: Or maybe ... (brings a hand around the back of KIRA's head and pulls it close as he looks at her) a bite?

KIRA: (snapping her teeth at him as if she'd like to really do it) Bite!

OPHIDIA: Good, Major! That's exactly what I want! (GARAK strides to the bar and backs up against it)

GARAK: I could show you my favorite ... obsession. 

(Spreads his arms out along the bar, leaning back, closing his eyes and arching his neck. Sighing)

I've been making a man with dark hair and a tan ... 

(for a moment GARAK is in the grip of something beyond his control, abandoned to his fantasies, and with his eyes closed and his throat exposed he looks suddenly and touchingly vulnerable)

And he's good for relieving my ... 

(takes a hissing, excited breath and opens his eyes to fix the audience ironically on) 

... tension. 

(Snaps back into control and springs forward, trailing the boa over one shoulder and down his back as he works the heels)

I'm just a sweet transvestite ... 
(Crosses the stage, trailing his fingers lightly along ODO's cheek as he passes to strike his pose in the center)

From Transsexual ...

(brings his hands down his own torso to his thighs, closes his eyes, and writhes to the music with a smile of satiation)

Transylvaniahhhhh ...ha haaaaa ...

(He walks up the staircase with his back to the audience, hissing his lines to them over his shoulder with a come-hither leer)

Ssso. Come up to the lab and
Ssssssee what's on the sssslab.

(Turns around with his hands on his hips)

I see you shiver with antici -- (pauses and deliberately licks his lips)

OPHIDIA: Make 'em wait for it! (GARAK smiles and waits)

GARAK:  -- pation. (Laying a finger meditatively on his lips)
But maybe the rain
Is really to blame -- 

(KEIKO and O'BRIEN remember they're supposed to be wet and start shivering)

So I'll remove the cause -- (the music drops out and there is dead silence)
But not the symptom! 

(He turns around on the final chord to exit up the stairs and the song ends. The cast is stunned. GARAK, unsure how to interpret the silence, looks fearfully at OPHIDIA)

OPHIDIA: *Oh* my god YES! YYYYYYYYYYES!!!! (GARAK realizes this is a positive reaction and smiles cautiously) YES YES YES YES YES!!! Oh, that *alone* is worth the price of admission. 

QUARK: We're not charging admission.

OPHIDIA: (Ignoring him and banging her fists on the stage) That's IT!! That is *it*, Garak, I can now die happy. WOOOOOOOHOOOO!!! (The cast is a little surprised to see her so affected, but begins to share her enthusiasm. OPHIDIA looks up at them as if she's just been pardoned on her way to the electric chair) Folks ... we've got a show here. (They start to seem excited) Everyone take your places for the laboratory scene, we're gonna beat this thing into shape. (The cast moves with more alacrity than usual.)
 

(Dissolve to the end of the rehearsal. The cast is grouped near the edge of the stage and OPHIDIA is giving them marching orders)

OPHIDIA: Brad, Janet, Frankie, Rocky, Columbia and Eddie, I want to run the lab scene in the actual space tomorrow evening -- 

KIRA Yes, what is the actual space?

OPHIDIA: (she is very proud of this idea) Ah. Yes. Welcome to environmental theatre, my friends. We're going to do it on the Promenade.

GARAK: (to BASHIR) Doing it on the Promenade. Our lifelong dream.

OPHIDIA: The station and the audience will become part of the production. Different parts of the Promenade will be different locations, and the audience will follow us around. I haven't quite worked out the sets -- I'm
still looking for a technical director. So anyway, tomorrow late when the crowds are thin we'll do the lab scene. OK? Thanks for a great rehearsal.

(They break up and begin exiting. OPHIDIA gives each a little verbal pat on the back as he/she goes by)

KIRA: (anxiously) Was that kick-butt enough?

OPHIDIA: Oh yes -- fantastic. Especially the snarling, keep that up. Dax, that number will work a lot better once we get you a motorcycle. Thanks Chief -- thanks Keiko -- oh, Deanna? I want to talk to you for a minute,
can you hang out a sec? Thanks. Good job, Captain, see you tomorrow.

GARAK: And you say you're not a good liar!

OPHIDIA: I'm sure as hell learning, aren't I? Garak -- (she puts a hand on his shoulder) Thank you. No lie. (He and BASHIR exit. The room is now empty except for DEANNA. OPHIDIA walks over to her) Deanna ...

DEANNA: I sense that you want to talk to me about my mother.

OPHIDIA: I like Lwaxana, I really do ... but if she comes to rehearsal again, I'm going to have to kill her.

DEANNA: I'll see to it she doesn't. But it shouldn't be a problem. (Walks OPHIDIA to the door and points out; across the Promenade LWAXANA and MORN are sitting deep in conversation. LWAXANA is chattering full blast and MORN is looking up at her with what looks like love in his eyes) They make a perfect couple, don't you think? 

OPHIDIA: Bless his hearts.

DEANNA: Incidentally, I have a friend I think could help you with the technical aspects.

OPHIDIA: Great! Can you have him get in touch with me?

DEANNA: I think it would work better if you got in touch with him. He's a little shy.
 

(Closeup of a nervous BARCLAY)

BARCLAY: You want me to be your what?

OPHIDIA: Techno-god.

BARCLAY: I ... I don't know ...

OPHIDIA: Deanna says you're the man for the job. (He blushes) Please, Mr. Barclay. I'm a technological idiot and this production is going to be unbelivably complicated. There's the viewing screens and the medusa-sizer
and the pool scene --

BARCLAY: It does sound interesting ... you say you want to do it on the Promenade?

OPHIDIA: If you think that would work. And use the adjacent spaces -- Quark's, the infirmary ... I was thinking if we can work out a way to generate an opaque forcefield we could project backdrops and things onto it--

BARCLAY: Maybe ... (walks away talking to himself) Yes ... yes, it should be possible.

OPHIDIA: And I was thinking we could use the transporters to change sets -- store the patterns in the holosuite data banks or something and then project them --

BARCLAY: (excited) We might -- we just might. I'm not totally familiar with the station but -- if we can get to the replicators in the holosuite and tie that into the transporter power from Ops we might ... we could ... but
what about the pattern integrity, would the distance ... (OPHIDIA smiles and leaves him to it. As she walks away we pass BASHIR, who is going into GARAK's shop.)

BASHIR: Oh, Frankie? (GARAK turns)

GARAK: Doctor! I'm just closing up.

BASHIR: Good. (Comes over and presents him with flowers)

GARAK: For me? What for?

BASHIR: To celebrate your start in show business.

GARAK: Does this mean I wasn't completely awful? (BASHIR laughs; GARAK looks up and seems to be dealing with emotions he doesn't understand) I -- I wasn't sure it would be what she wanted. I've never been in a play before.

BASHIR: Garak, you were far beyond not awful. (Strokes his face gently) You were beautiful, Elim. Heartbreaking in a whole new way. (GARAK looks at him; BASHIR is dead serious and clearly moved)

GARAK: (equally serious) There's nothing like this in Cardassian literature. 

BASHIR: Welcome to queer culture, Garak. (BASHIR kisses him) You're finally home.

*end Act II*