ACT III

(OPHIDIA and ALTARIA are asleep together in their guest quarters. An alarm goes off; OPHIDIA groans)

COMPUTER: It is now 0700 hours. You requested an alarm at this time.

OPHIDIA: I must have been possessed. (Buries her head under the pillow)

ALTARIA: (poking her) Come on, Fifi, you said you had to get up now.

OPHIDIA: I wouldn't mind if that computer didn't sound so much like Lwaxana. (Reluctantly emerges) Altaria, I'm so sorry. You're nice enough to come all the way out here to meet my strange alien friends and now you're
stuck living through this nightmare.

ALTARIA: I like your strange alien friends. And the show is going to be hilarious.

OPHIDIA: Intentionally or otherwise.

ALTARIA: If you don't mind, I was thinking I'd like to help out.

OPHIDIA: It's nice of you to offer, but you don't have to --

ALTARIA: I want to. You have good ideas and I bet you're really good with the cast. I always said you should have done more theater. I can't wait to see the production.

OPHIDIA: We'll see if you feel that way after you see the cast in action. (Hauls herself to her feet and shakes her head) All right then. Time to make the donuts.
 

(We now start a montage of separate little vignettes documenting the rehearsal process. In the background as the soundtrack the music to "Time Warp" plays under the dialogue as we fade from scene to scene. The first
one is of OPHIDIA, ALTARIA and SISKO in Sisko's office. OPHIDIA has a portable keyboard and is banging out the melody; SISKO is still completely wide of the mark.)

ALTARIA: I've just had an idea. You have such a lovely speaking voice ... Have you ever seen the film of *My Fair Lady?

OPHIDIA: I love you now more than ever, O brilliant one. Would you like to be vocal coach?

ALTARIA: I'd be honored. (OPHIDIA exits) OK, Captain, here's what we'll do... (Dissolve to KIRA and DEANNA in Kira's quarters with OPHIDIA and her keyboard)

OPHIDIA: (banging out the melody and singing KEIKO's part) Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night! (Cues KIRA)

KIRA: (mimicking her with sneering contempt) T-t-t-t-touch me ...

DEANNA: (laughing and grabbing KIRA by the waist) I want to feel dirty ...

OPHIDIA: Can you do that a little more orgasmically?

DEANNA: I'll try.

OPHIDIA: Let's take it again. Yada yada yada yada ...

DEANNA: (letting it rip) I want to be DIRTY!

OPHIDIA: *There* we go!

KIRA: (impressed) Thrill me chill me fulfill me ...

DEANNA: (Running her hands northward and moving in closer, hot 'n' heavy) Creature of the night! (KIRA growls and throws DEANNA down on the bed)

OPHIDIA: Good! Let's try it again. (KIRA and DEANNA look at each other with new interest. We cut back to SISKO's office, where he is now speaking his lines Professor Higgins-style. He sounds, actually, more like Hawk.)

SISKO: When little Eddie said he didn't like his teddy --

ALTARIA: Great, that's great. You are the next Rex Harrison. (Cut to Garak's shop, where he, O'BRIEN and KEIKO are gathered with OPHIDIA. GARAK has just gotten out of a clinch with KEIKO; OPHIDIA and O'BRIEN are watching) 

OPHIDIA: Your turn, Chief. (O'BRIEN advances toward GARAK with trepidation; GARAK turns an infinitely amused and insinuating smile on him) Lie down, you're supposed to be in bed. (O'BRIEN sighs and obeys. He points up at GARAK warningly)

O'BRIEN: NO TONGUE, do you understand me?

GARAK: (with a smile of pity) Don't worry. You're not worthy. (We cut to the Promenade, where OPHIDIA is waiting. BARCLAY comes dithering up)

BARCLAY: Sorry I'm late, I was talking to Rom about the holosuite configurations --

OPHIDIA: Never mind, never mind. (Puts an arm around his shoulders and walks him forward) Talk tech to me, babe. (BARCLAY laughs nervously and begins gesturing and explaining. Dissolve to Sisko's office again, where SISKO is now in the wheelchair attempting to maneuver it. He gets the sleeve of his uniform caught in the wheel and ends up twisted and trapped. ALTARIA walks up to disengage him)

ALTARIA: It's OK, Captain, you'll get the hang of it. (Dissolve to the Promenade, late at night. GARAK, 
BASHIR, KIRA, ODO, KEIKO, O'BRIEN and DEANNA are scattering and running for their lives as DAX rips around the floor on a motorcycle while OPHIDIA watches from above)

DAX: Whatever happened to Saturday night ... you left your job and you felt so right ... (She is clearly having a great time, however the others may be feeling about her command of the motorcycle)

OPHIDIA: OK, Dax, now pull up by Major Kira -- (DAX heads her way)

KIRA: (fleeing) The hell she will --

OPHIDIA: It's all right, I'm sure she -- (DAX wipes out) Are you all right?

DAX: (getting up) This is more fun than navigating in a nebula.

O'BRIEN: You find that entertaining? (DAX nods. Dissolve to ODO's office, where he is running through the opening to "Time Warp")

ODO: (still painfully straight) I remember ... doing the time warp ...

ALTARIA: Odo ... allow me to introduce you to the concept of tempo rubato.
(Dissolve to the Promenade, where OPHIDIA is putting the company through "Time Warp")

COMPANY: But it's the pelvic thru-u-u-st ...

OPHIDIA: It's a pelvic thrust, not a pelvic nudge, guys, come on! (Dissolve to the Promenade set up for the lab scene. GARAK approaches KEIKO and O'BRIEN)

GARAK: Brad and Janet ... what do *you* think of him?

KEIKO: Well ... I don't like men with *too* many muscles.

O'BRIEN: So he's the man of your dreams, then. (GARAK cracks up; BASHIR looks vexed.)

OPHIDIA: You're right, Chief, we're going to have to do something about the script ... (Dissolve to the Promenade. SISKO is wheeling the chair tentatively along the upper level toward a ramp that has been set up
leading from the balcony to the floor; one of the wheels sticks and a push propels him out of the chair. OPHIDIA looks up at him)

OPHIDIA: Captain ... I think we need to rethink our approach to your character. (Dissolve to the Promenade and another run-through of "Time Warp," which OPHIDIA and ALTARIA are both watching. We come to KIRA's verse)

KIRA: I was a walking down the street -- (KIRA performs the verse thrash-metal style, banging her head and screaming the lyrics as fast as she can into a standing mike over which she is crouched and which she is
flinging around as she sings)

OPHIDIA: (to the conductor) Can we have more drums? (The percussionist rises to the occasion) Thanks.

KIRA Time meant nothin'! Never would again! (She hurls the mike into the audience and stomps back to 

DEANNA. Dissolve to the lab set; SISKO, KEIKO, and O'BRIEN are lined up stuck to the floor in the transducer/medusa-sizer sequence)

SISKO: You won't find earth people the easy prey you imagine. This sonic transducer -- it is of course some kind of audiophysicamogoulophorible ... (trails off unintelligibly as he trips over the line) Audiophysmombobulatic... (shakes his head)

O'BRIEN: (commiserating) Isn't technobabble a bitch? (SISKO looks at him) Sir. (Dissolve to the Promenade and another run through of Time Warp; this time the cast has it together and is doing the movements with enthusiasm and in time to the music)

COMPANY: Let's do the time warp again ...

OPHIDIA: Yes, that's it, one more time!

COMPANY: Let's do the time warp again! (The song ends, and with it the montage.)

OPHIDIA: Beautiful. Light-years of improvement, truly. I love you all. Tomorrow's the dress rehearsal, so make sure you try on your costumes for Garak before then in case you need alterations. Also, Reg, our techno-god
... (The cast looks at BARCLAY, who is watching from the sidelines and is embarrassed by the attention) ... has a few things he wants to go over with you. (BARCLAY advances nervously)

BARCLAY: Ophidia has checked with the vedek in charge of the festival and it seems video projections are allowed as long as they're not prerecorded. What that means is whenever the script calls for something to come up on a viewing monitor, it has to be happening live somewhere backstage and be fed through simultaneously onto a screen on stage. There'll be cameras in Ops and in Quark's that feed onto the monitors on stage; I'll control the feeds from Ops. I've also set up a closed commlink system you can used to communicate with each other during the show. (Starts passing out badges) They're voice activated by name, just like your regular badges. I mean your name, not your character's name. I thought about keying them to the
character names, I thought that would be kind of neat, but then it would be a real mess, them cutting on every time you said someone's name on stage -- (DEANNA gives BARCLAY the "you're babbling" signal; he gets a grip) A-a-a-nyway the forcefields and transporter systems should be on line by tomorrow and we'll just pray to whatever that they all work. It's very -- it's very complicated but I think I've got it, it was the simultaneous
transports that were bothering me, you know, taking one thing off and projecting another simultaneously, you have to use two transporter beams and if they get crossed, well, there's no telling what will come out at the
-- (The cast is beginning to allow their attention to wander)

OPHIDIA: Thanks, Reg, that's wonderful. (Puts an arm around him and prompts for positive feedback) Is this man semi-divine, or what? (The cast applauds; BARCLAY looks down timidly)

BARCLAY: It's nothing, really ... Rom helped a lot ...

OPHIDIA: OK! See you here tomorrow. (They scatter. DEANNA and KIRA move off together)

KIRA What are you doing after this?

DEANNA: Oh, I thought I'd -- (starts sensing something) Why, nothing ... nothing at all.

KIRA: (momentarily flummoxed by embarrassment, she finally says, with a little nervous laugh) Want to go for a bite? (DEANNA smiles; KIRA hastens to add) To eat. At Quark's. Or the repli --

DEANNA: You know, I've spent enough time on the Promenade for one day -- why don't we just go back to your quarters and replicate something? (KIRA gulps)

KIRA: That's a good idea. (OPHIDIA and ALTARIA watch them go)

OPHIDIA: Now *there's* a butch/femme dynamic.

ALTARIA: It's going to be great, Fifi. Really.

OPHIDIA: Oh, sweetie. Thank you so much for helping. (As things threaten to turn sappy, we leave them to follow DEANNA and KIRA, who are walking down the corridors. KIRA is talking very fast; DEANNA is listening with her accustomed patience)

KIRA: All this snarling and stomping around I'm doing on stage, you know, that isn't really what I'm like I mean it sort of is I mean I don't actually snarl and stomp but I guess I can be kind of aggressive people have told me that --

DEANNA: Aggression can be very productive, used in the right way.

KIRA: Exactly! That's what I kept telling Sisko when he criticized my management style -- (DEANNA pulls up as she spots WORF heading for them)

DEANNA: Oh no.

KIRA: What?

DEANNA: It was bound to happen sooner or later. (She crosses her arms and looks up cheerfully as WORF accosts her) Well, Commander! It's good to see you again. It's been a long time.

WORF: Counselor. Major. (He appears at a loss as to how to proceed, then finally brings out) You look well.

DEANNA: Thank you, Worf. I feel well. (She waits, enjoying watching him squirm. KIRA looks apprehensively from one to the other)

WORF: (blurting suddenly) It was a difficult time for me. There were many obligations I failed to discharge.

DEANNA: It shouldn't be an obligation, Worf. If you're going through something hard, you tell the other person so they can help you. That's what a relationship *is.* You don't just go burying yourself in a monastery for
however long --

WORF: I left you a communication informing --

DEANNA: (finally angry) You don't get it, do you? Either you can let someone in, or you can't. And clearly you can't. And I can't be in a relationship with someone who keeps me on the outside, no matter how much I
-- (breaks off)

WORF: (hopefully) How much you --

DEANNA: Congratulations on your new position. I'm sure you'll be very happy here. You'll have no trouble keeping your distance. Let's go, Major, I'm starved. (Moves away; KIRA, with a backward glance at WORF, follows her) I have some of my favorite desserts on a data clip with me -- do you think your replicators can support Phrygina Quintuple Fudge Cloud Mousse?

KIRA: Let's find out. (They leave. WORF growls)
 

(We cut to the interior of the B&G homestead. GARAK is standing, in full kit complete with wig and makeup, in the corridor looking into the bedroom, addressing an unseen BASHIR)

GARAK: We're going to be late, Doctor.

BASHIR: I can't do this. I can't go on.

GARAK: Nonsense. Your grunting and looking stupid is perfection itself and I must say, Julian, I've never seen you look more ... radiant.

BASHIR: Tell Ophidia I've just accidentally disemboweled myself shaving. (GARAK snorts) Really! There is no power in the universe that could induce me to go out onto the promenade wearing this --

GARAK: Well *that's* a dare if I've ever heard one. (Enters the bedroom. We hear a short scuffle)

BASHIR: No! NO, Garak, I'm not going! (GARAK emerges, dragging a struggling BASHIR by the back of his gold lame briefs)

GARAK: Come on, Julian, we musn't let Ophidia down, she's worked so hard.

BASHIR: I look like Baby New Year in this ridiculous thing!

GARAK: (wrestling him to the door) You look like what you are -- a fabulous package in a bright shiny wrapper. Indeed, I can hardly refrain from unwrapping you right here.

BASHIR: (Hopefully) Why fight it?

GARAK: Alas, the stage is a demanding mistress. I have a responsibility to my public, Julian. So do you. Let's go. (More scuffling.)
 

(Cut to the promenade. OPHIDIA is on the upper level outside GARAK's shop calling to BARCLAY, who is at a temporary station set up in front of the infirmary)

OPHIDIA: All right, let 'er rip! (BARCLAY does; the Frankenstein Place materializes in the middle of the Promenade, large as life.) Beautiful! Now let's see the interior. (The floor of the promenade becomes the Time Warp ballroom. At a signal from OPHIDIA the set disappears and the lab set replaces it; at the same time a false wall extends itself along the upper level, hiding the entrance to Garak's shop behind the vault entrance.
OPHIDIA is now invisible) How do I -- 

BARCLAY: You should be able to pass through it from the inside. (The vault door opens; OPHIDIA steps through from behind it)

OPHIDIA: This is fantastic! (BARCLAY is fit to bust with pride) I don't believe it, Reg, I think we're going to get through this without any major technical -- wait, what did we end up doing about the pool?

BARCLAY: Ah. Allow me. (Flips a switch; at one end of the space on the promenade there are now rows of red plush theatre seats facing a raised stage under the balcony on which OPHIDIA is standing.) This is the floor
show set -- now -- (hits a key; the stage transforms into a pool, while at the same time the front wall becomes transparent, allowing the audience to see into it.)

OPHIDIA: Reg, I regret that it is beyond my power to bestow upon you the gift of eternal youth, because that really would be the only fitting compensation for your services.

BARCLAY: It's not that complicated, really ... let's try the lift. (She steps onto a platform above the pool and is lowered slowly toward it. As she approaches it she sees WORF, who has emerged and is accosting BARCLAY)

WORF: Lieutenant, I am looking for Ms. Varegia. (BARCLAY gets nervous again and points up to OPHIDIA, who is now on a level with the pool)

OPHIDIA: Reg, can you -- (BARCLAY transforms the pool back into the stage; she steps onto it) Mr. Worf! What can I do for you?

WORF: I have changed my mind.

OPHIDIA: I'm sorry?

WORF: I am willing to perform in your show.

OPHIDIA: Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Worf, but I wish you'd told me sooner. You see, I've already found another Rocky, and --

WORF: I have learned the part. It was not hard. The lines are very short.

OPHIDIA: I admire your initiative, Commander, but you see we open tomorrow --

WORF: You said I was the only one who could adequately interpret the role.

OPHIDIA: Since then I've changed my directorial stance on it somewhat. Casting the Doctor has brought out new levels of -- (turns to look as GARAK arrives carrying a protesting BASHIR slung over one shoulder)

BASHIR: Put me down! I'm warning you! I'm a doctor, I know one hundred and twelve different ways to kill without leaving a trace!

GARAK: (to OPHIDIA) I have that creature you ordered -- where do you want it?

OPHIDIA: Just set him down by the transducer. (As WORF begins to look displeased) I'm sorry, Mr. Worf, really, but the doctor has already committed to doing the role. Unless he's having second thoughts ...(BASHIR,
faced with the threat of replacement, stops making a fuss)

BASHIR: No, no, I'm still quite keen to do it. (GARAK pats him on the head)

GARAK: Good boy.

OPHIDIA: (relieved) Commander. I'm sorry. (DEANNA and KIRA move into view. They are both in costume. DEANNA's hair, like her cleavage, is huge. KIRA's costume is much like the one from the movie, except that it looks kind of grunged-up and torn and instead of tap shoes she wears combat boots and she has many interesting facial piercings and tattoos.)

DEANNA: It looks wonderful, Reg! (BARCLAY blushes and waves dissmissively.)

BARCLAY: Oh ... pshaw ...

WORF: It would mean a great deal to me.

OPHIDIA: I'm sorry. No. (WORF snarls something in Klingon and exits in a huff. DAX approaches)

DAX: What did you do to him?

OPHIDIA: Why, what did he say?

DAX: It's a good thing you don't yet *have* a firstborn child.

OPHIDIA: Wonderful. If the production doesn't kill me, a vengeful jilted Klingon will. Are you ready?

DAX: Just let me get into my leather and I'm all yours.
 

(Cut to the cast performing "Time Warp," in costume and in the groove. ODO has loosened up a lot and DEANNA is frighteningly convincing. ALTARIA is on stage with them doing the movements)

OPHIDIA: (over the din) Altaria's in charge of audience control, so she'll be up there with you. So will the audience. We expect most of them to know the steps, but be prepared for them to blunder into you and whatnot. Also be prepared for them to yell and throw things. It's nothing personal, you understand ... 
 

(Dissolve to the transition from "Sweet Transvestite" to the lab scene. KIRA, DEANNA, and ODO are leading KEIKO and O'BRIEN onto the floor of the lab set)

KEIKO: Frank, I mean ... is he your husband? (KIRA laughs evilly)

ODO: (sardonically) The master --

ALTARIA: (from the sidelines) BATOR! (ODO jumps)

OPHIDIA: Altaria's doing the audience responses, Odo, you have to get used to it. They're going to yell that every time you say "master."

ODO: Why?

OPHIDIA: Because humans have an infinite tolerance for both bad puns and dick jokes. Pick it up from your line.

ODO: The master --

ALTARIA: BATOR!! (ODO grits his teeth)

ODO:  -- is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are merely his ... servants. (They are all set for the lab scene now, but there's no Frankie. They wait. They look at each other.)

OPHIDIA: Ophidia to Garak. (No response) Ophidia to Bashir. (No response) This is the last time I work with newlyweds. Ophidia to Garak. I know you're there, I can hear you breathing. Wrap it up and GET ON STAGE! (A flustered GARAK pokes his head out of Rocky's tank. He gets up sheepishly and takes his position) Gentlemen ... (BASHIR pokes his head out of the tank) I realize that in costume you are both well-nigh irresistible. Indeed, Odo has put on extra security to deal with the hordes of crazed admirers we expect to be beating off the two of you with sticks. But you CANNOT keep running off to have sex every time you're not on stage, do you understand? (They nod, looking rather like schoolkids being chewed out by a principal.) Really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. (Laughter)
 

(Dissolve and pick up at the point just before Dr. Scott's first entrance. GARAK is looking at a viewing screen upon which we see SISKO's image; he is standing up, wearing a trenchcoat and dark glasses. O'BRIEN and ODO are also on stage)

O'BRIEN: Hey, Scotty! (ODO looks at him wtih contempt) Dr. Everett Scott!

ODO: You know this earthling? (GARAK nudges him) Person?

O'BRIEN: Why yes -- in fact we're old friends. (GARAK advances on him threateningly)

GARAK: I see. So this wasn't just a chance meeting. (Cut to OPHIDIA and ALTARIA, who are watching from the audience)

ALTARIA: Shouldn't he be in a wheelchair?

OPHIDIA: He couldn't ever figure out how to work the thing so we dropped it. And since he always came out sounding like some kind of vigilante action hero no matter how I directed him, I decided to go that route.

SISKO: (deep and threatening) Dr. Frankenfurtehhhrrrr. We meet at last.

ALTARIA: I see what you mean.

OPHIDIA: It doesn't matter what *kind* of stock character he is as long as he's stock, that's my thinking. I always thought the wheelchair shtick was kind of in bad taste anyway. Besides, now that he's able-bodied, I can put
Scott in the floor show along with the rest of them.

ALTARIA: You don't mean it.

OPHIDIA: Ah, but I do. I wrote him a verse and everything.

ALTARIA: He's going into pool with everyone else?

OPHIDIA: Youuuuuuuu betcha. This man makes my life hell for three weeks, I'm putting him *in* the corset, *in* the makeup, *in* the pool. He wants bold new innovative, that's what I'm giving him. Let this be a lesson to
all future producers -- you mess with me, you kiss iguana.

SISKO: I came here looking for Eddie. (SISKO's comm badge beeps)

ENSIGN: Ops to Sisko.

SISKO: Darn it. Go ahead, Tenfly.

TENFLY: It's probably nothing, sir, but there are some strange readings coming through ... (The others stop and wait for SISKO to finish the conversation)

OPHIDIA: Uh, guys? Guys? (They look at her) If something like that happens during the show, you just have to play through it. We can't afford to have the captain incommunicado and there may be an emergency. I've got an ensign understudying him. Captain? (SISKO looks up) If that happens, just figure out a way to get yourself gracefully offstage and we'll plug in the understudy. (SISKO nods) The rest of you cover for him and keep going.
(They nod. We dissolve to the end of "Wise up, Janet Weiss;" GARAK is by the Medusa-sizer switch and is transforming the cast)

O'BRIEN: You're a hot dog, but you'd better not try to hurt her,
Frankfurter -- (GARAK flips the switch; O'BRIEN dematerializes and is replaced by a marble statue of him)

OPHIDIA: Ophidia to Barclay -- we've got the statue, do you have the Chief?

O'BRIEN: Yes, I'm in one piece.

SISKO: (like Hawk doing karaoke) You're a hot dog, but you'd better not try to hurt her, Frankfurter -- (He is also replaced by a statue)

OPHIDIA: It's working great, Reg.
 

(Dissolve to the end of the floor show; BASHIR, SISKO, KIRA, KEIKO and O'BRIEN are on stage in their makeup, heels, gloves, boas, and corsets)

KEIKO: It's a gas that Frankie's landed! His lust is so sincere ... (The pool opens and GARAK appears on the lift, which is at the top of the RKO tower in the background.)

GARAK: Whatever happend to Fay Wray ... (The lift starts descending slowly toward the stage; GARAK spreads his arms out and throws himself into the number)

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure ... 
Swim the warm waters of the
sins of the flesh ... 

(OPHIDIA looks up, amazed. GARAK is transfigured -- not only dangerously beautiful, but ecstatic, powerful, priest-like. As the others look up, he looks down on them with a smile both lewd and beatific)

Erotic nightmares
Beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams
To treasure forever...
Can't you just see it...

(The pool is now open; GARAK steps off the lift into it, followed by KIRA, KEIKO, O'BRIEN, BASHIR and SISKO. They are now all writhing around in the pool as in the film, but moving dreamily, as if in a trance, and their interactions with GARAK, while plainly sexual, take on a devotional aspect; he has become the celebrant of a kind of ritual consecrated to sensuality. ALTARIA, OPHIDIA and DAX watch spellbound) 

CAST: Don't dream it...
Be it...
Don't dream it...

ATLARIA: This is different.

OPHIDIA: It's all his idea. I felt I shouldn't mess with success, I've been trying not to direct him too much... (shrugs) This is how it came to him, evidently. (GARAK suddenly rises out of the pool, energized with an almost
religious fervor)

GARAK:  My my my, mymymymy my my,
My my my mymymymymy-yyy--
I'm a wild and an untamed thing ... 

(The others follow him out and go through the final chorus, forming the kickline and rocking ecstatically to the music, all, like Garak, clearly in the grip of some otherwordly power. Finally, ODO and DEANNA burst in at the
back of the audience, ODO aiming his trident)

ODO: Frankenfurter, it's all over ... 

(The mood breaks and GARAK suddenly crashes back to earth, looking wet, shaking, and afraid)

I am your new commander,
You now are my prisoner,
We return to Transylvania,
Prepare the transit beam ...

GARAK: (drawing himself up with a touching attempt to regain his former dignity, and flopping the soggy boa around his neck) Wait! I can explain! (KIRA and BASHIR run to the sides of the stage to drop a curtain and switch on a spot for GARAK, who stands at the edge of the platform)

On the day I went away ...

CAST: Goodby-yyyyyye...

GARAK: Was all I had to say...

CAST: Now I-yiiiii...

GARAK: Want to come again and stay... 

(GARAK performs the final number as the others back him up in the chorus, stepping down into the audience and walking up the aisle. His makeup is running and he looks small, shivery and wet, but as he reaches the first
chorus he begins to regain something of his previous exaltation)

I see blue skies
Through the tears
In my eyes... 
And I realize ...
I'm going home ...

(As he looks defiantly up at ODO staring coldly down on him, we are suddenly impressed with his extroardinary fragility, his isolation, his vulnerability to outside attack)

Everywhere I go,
It's been the same ...
I'm always outside
In the rain ...

(As real emotions connected to these issues start coming through, his campiness becomes tragic, and the song reaches its heartwrenching climax when GARAK stops in the spot on the edge of the stage and throws all his real-life conflict, trauma, fear and longing into the lyrics)

And I realize ...
I'm going home ... 

(As he repeats the verse we close in on BASHIR, who is swallowing a lump in his throat. We move to ODO, whose expression of abstracted brooding indicates that he also is thinking about home and exile. DEANNA looks at him, not understanding why he's breaking character. We move to OPHIDIA, ALTARIA and DAX, who are watching silent and stunned, then back to GARAK for the final verse. He throws his hands into the air with an unsteady but tentatively blissful smile)

I'm going home!

(The number ends. There is a moment of silence as GARAK looks around and comes out of his delusion)

DEANNA: How sentimental.

ODO: And also presumptuous of you. (Advances with the weapon) You see, when I said *we,* I was referring only to Magenta and myself. You are to remain here. (GARAK's face betrays abject terror for a moment) In spirit, anyway.

O'BRIEN: You're going to kill him? What's his crime?

SISKO: You saw what became of Eddie.

ODO: Say goodbye to all this ... and hello ... to oblivion. (He readies the weapon. GARAK masters his terror, and in a long silent moment smiles, curtsies deeply to ODO, and stands up slowly, stretching himself out in his
"Sweet Transvestite" pose, deliberately offering his chest as a target. KIRA sees this and charges snarling at 
ODO. He zots her; she crumples. GARAK stares at her in fear, then looks back at ODO with a final, tremulous
campy smile as ODO zots him. He crumples, clutching the curtain and dragging it down on top of him. BASHIR charges foward with a howl of rage, picks up GARAK's body, and starts climbing up the RKO tower with it. After several tries, a shot from ODO finally brings them both down, landing on the stage with a sickening thud. Cut to OPHIDIA) 

OPHIDIA: Man that's gotta hurt.

ALTARIA: You mean to tell me you didn't put the mats down?

OPHIDIA: I knew I'd forget something. Ophidia to Bashir -- are you two all right?

BASHIR: Almost. (Back to ODO, who is conferring with SISKO)

ODO: I would leave now, while it is still possible. We are preparing to beam the whole house back to Transylvania. (Which they do, in a stunning display of special effects, while KEIKO, O'BRIEN and SISKO watch from the floor of the promenade, which is empty except for the seats from the floor show set. The music continues as the lights go out and a spot picks out QUARK, who has emerged into the space where the stage used to be)

QUARK: And crawling on the planet's face 
Some insects called the hu-man race.
Lost in time ... and lost in space. And meaning.

(The spot dies. The music ends. After a moment the lights go up and we see the cast assembled around GARAK and BASHIR, who are getting painfully to their feet. Many of them are choked up, and BASHIR has tears in his eyes. GARAK looks around nervously, not understanding that this is a response to his performance.)

OPHIDIA: Garak ... (She is unable to find suitable words for her reaction, and therefore runs up to him and hugs him. GARAK is surprised. She releases him, takes him by the shoulders, and shakes him) You are AMAZING!! (He cracks a smile; the rest of the cast cheers) You have just turned this into the most powerful theatrical experience any of these audience members will ever be fortunate enough to witness. Oh my God. (Looks around at the cast) You are *all* amazing. This is a fantastic show. (There is a general whoop and holler of enthusiasm and much intra-cast congratulation.) OK, a few notes. Dax, your air sax playing is much better now, but the helmet still seems to be causing you trouble -- you think we should lose it? 

DAX: Fine with me.

OPHIDIA: All right then. Doctor, you're coming along nicely, but during the floor show I'd like to see you bump and grind a little more. (BASHIR looks uncomprehending) You know -- put in more hip action. Stand up, I'll show
you what I'm talking about. (Demonstrates) Can you do that? (BASHIR makes a half-hearted motion with his hips) Sort of. Try it again. (He tries) Garak? (GARAK looks up)

GARAK: Yes?

OPHIDIA: On your own time, between now and tomorrow, will you show the doctor how to bump and grind?

GARAK: (with a huge grin) It'll be my pleasure.

OPHIDIA: That's what I thought. All right, everyone -- (pauses dramatically) Tomorrow night, we're bringing something new into the world. This is unlike any version of this play you've ever seen or been in. Things
may go wrong, and probably will, but remember that whatever happens, we, my friends, are hot shit. (They laugh) Be here half an hour before we open for makeup and props check and GET PSYCHED!! (There is a cheer from the cast and they disperse. We watch GARAK and BASHIR walk off together)

BASHIR: Every time I think I know you I find some fabulous secret you've kept hidden. (GARAK looks at him; they stop in a deserted corridor and face each other) You are ... (reaches up a hand to touch his face; GARAK blinks hard) Thank you. For showing us that.

GARAK: You're the only one who understands it.

BASHIR: You were right, Elim. To hell with Hamlet. (Brings his hand down Garak's exposed neck ridge) This is my favorite play from now on. Because of what it let you be. (GARAK looks at him solemnly)

GARAK: I love you, Julian. (They kiss. Blackout.)

*end Act III*